Class Sizes to Increase at UK
LEXINGTON– UK administration recently announced further cost-saving...
UK Student Might Rate Professor as a “2″
LEXINGTON– As UK students eagerly anticipate the end of term, many are...
Welcome to Fabulous 21st Century America (Part 5)
Since the beginning of 2009, the average price of a gallon of gasoline in the...
Capilouto’s Farts to be Sponsored by Friends of Coal
Friends of Coal today announced that they will be sponsoring every single fart...
In 2012, the U.S. trade deficit with China was $315 billion. In 2011, $295.4 billion. Both were higher than any prior year.read more
LEXINGTON– UK administration recently announced further cost-saving measures to help the university get through these tough economic times. I caught up with President Capilouto on his gold-plated yacht, the Skrilla II today to get the scoop. As a white-gloved servant brought us martinis, Capilouto explained the newest strategy. “Basically,” he said, “we realized that all these Teaching Assistantships we offer to graduate students are...read more
LEXINGTON– As UK students eagerly anticipate the end of term, many are forming summer plans. “I’m heading to Florida to get a tan,” gushed freshman music major Malory Guffman. “I’m white as paste.” Some students, however, are still wrestling with evaluating their professors. Junior computer science major Joseph Rhonda is struggling. “These things are really important, aren’t they? I mean, people get raises if they teach...read more
Since the beginning of 2009, the average price of a gallon of gasoline in the United States has increased by more than 90 percent.read more
Friends of Coal today announced that they will be sponsoring every single fart from President Capilouto during the remainder of his time at UK. In a press conference today, reporters asked Friends of Coal spokesman Bobby Pruett why his group would want to sponsor Capilouto’s farts, and why now? “The first rule of marketing,” Pruett said, “is that you’ve got to get people’s attention. And friends, when the President of this university...read more
This morning, UK junior Hayley Riney caught her boyfriend of three weeks, Ryan Smith, watching porn on the internet. Riney states that she was shocked to find out that “real men” watched trash. Smith has yet to deny watching “Crazy Hot Lesbian Banged in the Shower” online. Riney is currently performing the silent treatment and withholding sex from Smith until she receives a formal apology. When asked what she expects from Smith, Riney...read more
The average young American will spend 10,000 hours playing video games before the age of 21.read more
A new discovery reveals that Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God, and savior to mankind, wore Birkenstocks and socks. The discovery was revealed at the beginning of the week when esteemed art historian Simon Schama announced that the man depicted in ancient cave paintings, located in an undisclosed cave in the Holy Land, are the earliest known depictions of Jesus Christ. The ancient painting displays Jesus, leading his twelve disciples, wearing a...read more
In a surprise reversal of his decision to keep UK’s campus “dry,” President Capilouto announced today that UK’s prestigious W.T. Young Library will open a bar at the circulation desk on the first floor. Installation of the bar, named Amazon.com KindleKats Sports Bar, will take place over the summer term. “It was an easy decision, actually,” the President explained. “Most students bring alcoholic drinks to the library anyway, and by...read more
Two explosions shook the Boston Marathon, and the country, Monday, 15 April 2013. According to the latest reports, three people died in the attack, and 130 were injured. The identity of the individual or group responsible is as of yet unknown. “We’re working on it,” said Janet Napolitano, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security. “As of right now, every single person working in the U.S. government and military is working on figuring out who...read more