Participate in Our Article Contest!

Published by on April 10, 2014 in Front Page

Participate in Our Article Contest!

Hey, you! Yes, you! Are you affiliated with UK in some way, shape or form? Are you proficient or  at least slightly less than proficient at constructing sentences and/or sketching political cartoons? Do you like money? If your answer to these questions is “big positivo on that,” you should submit an article/cartoon to the Annual UK Colonel Article/Cartoon contest. When’s the deadline, you ask. The deadline is Thursday, April...

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Sochi Not So Bad After All

Published by on March 10, 2014 in Front Page, World

Sochi Not So Bad After All

It is hard to believe that the accommodations at Sochi have not been well regarded by the other reporters and visitors to the city.  I found the city to be very comfortable and interesting.   We arrived three days before the opening ceremony and were received by the nicest hotel staff.  They told us that if the water came back on we shouldn’t use it, as it contained poisons.  How nice! They shut off the water, which was surely tampered...

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Flocks of Graduate Students Begin Yearly Migration From Patterson Office Tower to Willy T

Published by on March 7, 2014 in Campus, Front Page

Flocks of Graduate Students Begin Yearly Migration From Patterson Office Tower to Willy T

Lexington — It’s February which means that the graduate students have begun their annual return back south to Willy T. This time of year always peaks interest in the study of graduate student behavior, especially that of traveling in packs around campus. The Colonel sat down with Lexington ornithologist Jack Willis to get a better understanding of the graduates’ behaviors. “The first thing you’ll notice is that they...

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Google to Release Condoms

Published by on March 6, 2014 in Front Page

Google to Release Condoms

Mountain View, CA – Recent years have proven that Google is much more than just a search engine; it’s an empire. While some argue that Google needs to focus on making its search engine better, there’s no denying that they’re making an impact on the world of technology. Google’s next release is sure to have your nerves (the ones right around your groin area) tingling with anticipation. Google plans to release the new Google Condom by...

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Student Uses Pencil Sharpener; Classmates Panic

Published by on March 5, 2014 in Campus, Front Page

Student Uses Pencil Sharpener; Classmates Panic

University of Kentucky – Last Thursday, an unsuspecting 8AM circuits class in FPAT (if you don’t know where that is, don’t worry, it’s for the smart people) was about to get rocked. In the middle of a lecture, second-year engineering student Lee Cooper ran his No.2 Paper-Mate pencil just a little too dull. He proceeded to stand up, walk to the rusty, cobwebbed pencil-sharpener, insert his pencil, and slowly crank the knob. Upon hearing...

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Graphic Propaganda Displayed on Campus

Published by on February 11, 2014 in Campus, Front Page

Graphic Propaganda Displayed on Campus

LEXINGTON—Students were startled at pictures of holocaust victims and playboy models displayed outside the Whitehall Classroom Building on Wednesday, November 13. The Center for Bio-Ethical Reform, a national anti-sex group that holds demonstrations on many college campuses, erected signs and passed out pamphlets at the request of the UK Christian Student Fellowship. “WARNING GENOCIDE PHOTOS AHEAD” signs were placed along the walkways...

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Jesus Officially a Tea Party Supporter

Published by on December 13, 2013 in Front Page, U.S.

Jesus Officially a Tea Party Supporter

In a stunning conclusion to the 2013 Values Voter Summit, Jesus Christ himself made an appearance. Some of you may know him as “The Prince of Peace” or “Alpha and Omega,” but he introduced himself simply as “The J Man”, preferring this simple moniker from constituents and disciples alike. It appears the intent of his Second Coming was to inform the Tea Party that yup, they were right on course with what he had planned: shutting...

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China Expands Surveillance State

Published by on November 25, 2013 in Front Page, World

China Expands Surveillance State

Hundreds protested in the streets of Beijing yesterday after the Chinese government announced plans to employ two million “public opinion analysts” with the duty of patrolling comments on social media websites. China has long been accused of stifling citizens’ freedom, especially that dealing with Internet access. The most famous incident occurred last spring, during the height of One Direction fame. When the British pop group’s hit...

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2014 Budget Revealed: Faculty Salaries Completely Cut

Published by on November 21, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

2014 Budget Revealed: Faculty Salaries Completely Cut

E. Britt Brockman, Chair of the UK Board of Trustees, released the 2014-2015 budget on Monday. To exactly no one’s surprise, the budget reveals a startling swathe of radical new cuts. What was surprising was that faculty salaries have been completely removed from the budget. “Honestly, I was shocked,” said sociology assistant professor, Dr. Elizabeth Pratt. “I just got this tenure-track job four years ago. I was up for tenure this...

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I LOVE THE NSA!

Published by on November 19, 2013 in Front Page, U.S.

I LOVE THE NSA!

Whether you’re a student preparing for midterms, a professor taking a well-earned break from grading, or a journalist sitting at your computer while a man in a black suit holds a loaded gun to the back of your head, you’ve probably heard of the National Security Agency. This hitherto unheard of agency came into the public spotlight when former computer specialist and current terrorist malcontent, Edward Snowden illegally released classified...

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