Big, Dumb Open Mic Night: A Night To Remember

Published by on March 9, 2015 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Big, Dumb Open Mic Night: A Night To Remember

LEXINGTON, KY– As many of you will doubtless already know, the crossover event known as the Big, Dumb Open Mic Night, hosted last Friday by both UK’s esteemed literary magazine, Shale, and UK’s finest student-run newspaper, The Colonel, was an overwhelming success. The editors of both publications reserved the Cats Den for the evening in order to showcase a variety of student talents, such as stand-up comedy, poetry readings, falconry,...

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Line at Ovid’s Causes UK Students to Graduate Late

Published by on February 19, 2015 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Line at Ovid’s Causes UK Students to Graduate Late

LEXINGTON, KY— According to university faculty, the average time taken to complete a four-year degree at the University of Kentucky is actually five years, and speculation as to the cause of this delay is rising. Many point to the obscenely long lines that develop at Ovid’s. The lines have been an issue of concern for years, but recently they have reached an unprecedented level of debate due to their increasing size. Lines frequently expand...

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Winter 2014 Edition!

Published by on January 9, 2015 in Print Publications

Winter 2014 Edition!

To read the full PDF version of our winter 2014 edition, click the “Read More” button, then click here: colonel_winter_PDF

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Flares Used To Prevent Roosting In William T. Young Library

Published by on December 10, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Flares Used To Prevent Roosting In William T. Young Library

LEXINGTON, KY- Autumn brings cool air, falling leaves, and freshman girls pining for romance. However, the natural unhappy state of these lovelorn creatures was interrupted when this year’s K Book announced that the fifth floor is the “best place on campus to get a date.” Since the arrival of pumpkin spice lattes, freshmen have flocked to the library to make nests on the fifth floor. Librarian Sylvia Snow is perplexed about the...

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McConnell Concedes Senate Power to Sauron

Published by on December 4, 2014 in Elections, Features, Front Page, U.S., Uncategorized

McConnell Concedes Senate Power to Sauron

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a move that may very well go down in history as both daring and the first step on a long road to the utter destruction of the races of men, long-serving Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell announced at a press conference on Sunday that he would be stepping down from his newly acquired senate majority leader position and placing all of his support firmly behind an appointed replacement, senatorial newcomer Sauron the Dark...

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Writers for Campus Newspaper are Basic

Published by on October 17, 2014 in Features, Front Page

Writers for Campus Newspaper are Basic

October 16th proved to be a chilling day in the world of college news when The University of Kentucky’s own Kentucky Kernel revealed that their entire news staff, from their elusive editor-in-chief down to the most recent of freshman journalism majors, is comprised of people who are basic. The news was revealed in a frighteningly real opinion column in the October 16th edition of the Kernel entitled “We should stop calling people’s tastes...

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Horoscopes: 10/13/14 – 10/19/14

Published by on October 14, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Horoscopes

Horoscopes: 10/13/14 – 10/19/14

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will fall down the stairs the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Ask not what UK Dining can do for you. Because the answer is literally nothing. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will be unlucky in love this week. Specifically you, William. We’re through. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) At the corner of Huguelet and Rose, turn right. Continue for 500 feet…turn back....

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Horoscopes: 10/6/14-10/13/14

Published by on October 6, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Horoscopes

Horoscopes: 10/6/14-10/13/14

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You may think that cutting ties with your neo-Nazi friends will solve all of your problems, but it’ll just further complicate half-Windsor knots. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You started to work at an apiary to find your soul mate, but you’re about to learn the hard way that the saying is not “beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.” Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your Friday night will be...

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U2 Album Incites Conversation, Talk of “Leprechaun-Minions”

Published by on October 2, 2014 in Features, Front Page, World

U2 Album Incites Conversation, Talk of “Leprechaun-Minions”

Irish rock band U2 shocked fans September 9th with the release of their album Songs of Innocence. Through a partnership with BlackBerry, their new album is available to all BlackBerry users—for free! As part of a daring marketing move, U2 made an appearance at the 2014 unveiling of the BlackBerry -6. Lead singer Bono burst onto stage, sending the audience—numbering just over four people and an elderly hamster—into a frenzy. When asked...

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UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

Published by on September 30, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

LEXINGTON—On the evening of Sunday, September 28, University of Kentucky basketball player Dakari Johnson threw a fellow student dramatically off the roof of Kirwin Tower. Unsurprisingly, the student, an engineering junior named Beatrice Wilson, was killed on impact. The resulting mess and vague UK Alerts alarmed the entire campus while campus police tried to figure out where the body had fallen from, and whether perhaps Wilson had been the...

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