Writers for Campus Newspaper are Basic

Published by on October 17, 2014 in Features, Front Page

Writers for Campus Newspaper are Basic

October 16th proved to be a chilling day in the world of college news when The University of Kentucky’s own Kentucky Kernel revealed that their entire news staff, from their elusive editor-in-chief down to the most recent of freshman journalism majors, is comprised of people who are basic. The news was revealed in a frighteningly real opinion column in the October 16th edition of the Kernel entitled “We should stop calling people’s tastes...

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Horoscopes: 10/13/14 – 10/19/14

Published by on October 14, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Horoscopes

Horoscopes: 10/13/14 – 10/19/14

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will fall down the stairs the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Ask not what UK Dining can do for you. Because the answer is literally nothing. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will be unlucky in love this week. Specifically you, William. We’re through. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) At the corner of Huguelet and Rose, turn right. Continue for 500 feet…turn back....

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Horoscopes: 10/6/14-10/13/14

Published by on October 6, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Horoscopes

Horoscopes: 10/6/14-10/13/14

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You may think that cutting ties with your neo-Nazi friends will solve all of your problems, but it’ll just further complicate half-Windsor knots. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You started to work at an apiary to find your soul mate, but you’re about to learn the hard way that the saying is not “beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.” Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your Friday night will be...

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U2 Album Incites Conversation, Talk of “Leprechaun-Minions”

Published by on October 2, 2014 in Features, Front Page, World

U2 Album Incites Conversation, Talk of “Leprechaun-Minions”

Irish rock band U2 shocked fans September 9th with the release of their album Songs of Innocence. Through a partnership with BlackBerry, their new album is available to all BlackBerry users—for free! As part of a daring marketing move, U2 made an appearance at the 2014 unveiling of the BlackBerry -6. Lead singer Bono burst onto stage, sending the audience—numbering just over four people and an elderly hamster—into a frenzy. When asked...

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UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

Published by on September 30, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

LEXINGTON—On the evening of Sunday, September 28, University of Kentucky basketball player Dakari Johnson threw a fellow student dramatically off the roof of Kirwin Tower. Unsurprisingly, the student, an engineering junior named Beatrice Wilson, was killed on impact. The resulting mess and vague UK Alerts alarmed the entire campus while campus police tried to figure out where the body had fallen from, and whether perhaps Wilson had been the...

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The Colonel presents…the oK Book!

Published by on September 15, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page, Print Publications

The Colonel presents…the oK Book!

Now with 350% more totally real and valid advice for UK freshmen and upperclassmen! (Click the link to view full PDF version.) The Official oK Book

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Obama Enters Existential Crisis over Fate of Fruit Fly

Published by on September 7, 2014 in Features, Front Page, U.S.

Obama Enters Existential Crisis over Fate of Fruit Fly

“Why should I have the right to decide the fate of living beings?” a visibly shaken Obama was heard asking himself this Wednesday, upon noticing a fly soundlessly circling around a fruit basket on the White House countertop. According to psychic reporters on the scene, Obama’s initial instinct to swat the fly was quickly outweighed by his conscience, which called for a moralistic reevaluation of the situation. The commander-in-chief then...

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University of Kentucky to Build New Dorms on the Moon

Published by on September 5, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

University of Kentucky to Build New Dorms on the Moon

Yes, unfortunately you did read that correctly. On the night of September 3, 2014, President Eli Capilouto informed reporters at the Colonel of his plan to “launch those hooligans into space.” He may or may not have been drunk at the time, but the truth is uncertain, as our reporter may or may not have been drunk at the time. Operation Blue Moon will begin in earnest during the fall semester and is expected to earn acclaim for being the...

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The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Published by on August 23, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Uncategorized

The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Sharp: Symbol (#) used to raise a note by a half-step (See also: hashtag). Flat: Synonymous with: not much fun to talk to, probably kind of desperate, usually terrible in bed. Natural: Not wearing deodorant. Fermata: Holding out a note or rest, often used to facilitate the changing of a musical thought. For example, gossiping on the phone about your roommate’s promiscuity as she unlocks the door, necessitating a swift topic change to Game of...

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University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Published by on August 23, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Last week, the University of Kentucky announced its newest program, designed to prepare many of UK’s lovely ladies for the long-term position of their dreams: wife. According to the Dean of Students, the program is meant to meet the needs of a surprisingly large demographic of UK students, providing a set coursework with two major pathways in order to best prepare women for their brilliant futures as wives.   Despite an initial fear of...

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