Google to Release Condoms
Mountain View, CA – Recent years have proven that Google is much more than...
Student Uses Pencil Sharpener; Classmates Panic
University of Kentucky – Last Thursday, an unsuspecting 8AM circuits class in...
Graphic Propaganda Displayed on Campus
LEXINGTON—Students were startled at pictures of holocaust victims and playboy...
Jesus Officially a Tea Party Supporter
In a stunning conclusion to the 2013 Values Voter Summit, Jesus Christ himself...
Mountain View, CA – Recent years have proven that Google is much more than just a search engine; it’s an empire. While some argue that Google needs to focus on making its search engine better, there’s no denying that they’re making an impact on the world of technology. Google’s next release is sure to have your nerves (the ones right around your groin area) tingling with anticipation. Google plans to release the new Google Condom by...read more
University of Kentucky – Last Thursday, an unsuspecting 8AM circuits class in FPAT (if you don’t know where that is, don’t worry, it’s for the smart people) was about to get rocked. In the middle of a lecture, second-year engineering student Lee Cooper ran his No.2 Paper-Mate pencil just a little too dull. He proceeded to stand up, walk to the rusty, cobwebbed pencil-sharpener, insert his pencil, and slowly crank the knob. Upon hearing...read more
LEXINGTON—Students were startled at pictures of holocaust victims and playboy models displayed outside the Whitehall Classroom Building on Wednesday, November 13. The Center for Bio-Ethical Reform, a national anti-sex group that holds demonstrations on many college campuses, erected signs and passed out pamphlets at the request of the UK Christian Student Fellowship. “WARNING GENOCIDE PHOTOS AHEAD” signs were placed along the walkways...read more
In a stunning conclusion to the 2013 Values Voter Summit, Jesus Christ himself made an appearance. Some of you may know him as “The Prince of Peace” or “Alpha and Omega,” but he introduced himself simply as “The J Man”, preferring this simple moniker from constituents and disciples alike. It appears the intent of his Second Coming was to inform the Tea Party that yup, they were right on course with what he had planned: shutting...read more
Hundreds protested in the streets of Beijing yesterday after the Chinese government announced plans to employ two million “public opinion analysts” with the duty of patrolling comments on social media websites. China has long been accused of stifling citizens’ freedom, especially that dealing with Internet access. The most famous incident occurred last spring, during the height of One Direction fame. When the British pop group’s hit...read more
E. Britt Brockman, Chair of the UK Board of Trustees, released the 2014-2015 budget on Monday. To exactly no one’s surprise, the budget reveals a startling swathe of radical new cuts. What was surprising was that faculty salaries have been completely removed from the budget. “Honestly, I was shocked,” said sociology assistant professor, Dr. Elizabeth Pratt. “I just got this tenure-track job four years ago. I was up for tenure this...read more
Whether you’re a student preparing for midterms, a professor taking a well-earned break from grading, or a journalist sitting at your computer while a man in a black suit holds a loaded gun to the back of your head, you’ve probably heard of the National Security Agency. This hitherto unheard of agency came into the public spotlight when former computer specialist and current terrorist malcontent, Edward Snowden illegally released classified...read more
INGREDIENTS One pumpkin, medium-sized. For fullest celebration of the season, force your neighbors out of their home, wait until they grow a pumpkin, then use this specific pumpkin for your recipe. Don’t forget to invite your neighbors over for dinner to say thank you! Whipped cream. Depending on the cream, you may prefer to use a bullwhip, stockwhip, or riding crop. Remember, always establish a safeword before baking. Brown sugar. For...read more
I am writing into the paper today to express how impressed I am with the city of Chicago’s progress. Many may not think it is what it used to be. Me and my wife took a trip there a few weeks ago for our anniversary. We was amazed at how intact everything was downtown. To think that only a few years ago one of them alien robots knocked out a dozen skyscrapers and destroyed other parts of the city. We were moved by their progress. Why nobody...read more
Excited about the brand new Student Center? We sure are! Here’s are some features that the multi-million dollar facility is reportedly going to include: • state-of-the-art ping-pong tables • chocolate milk fountains • a teleport to the Classroom Building • whites-only dining hall • free popcorn • three Room 251s (one on each floor) • Tommy Two-Tats’ Tattoo Parlor • 3D printer that only prints actual wildcats • Bosch’s...read more