China Expands Surveillance State
Hundreds protested in the streets of Beijing yesterday after the Chinese...
2014 Budget Revealed: Faculty Salaries Completely Cut
E. Britt Brockman, Chair of the UK Board of Trustees, released the 2014-2015...
I LOVE THE NSA!
Whether you’re a student preparing for midterms, a professor taking a...
Pumpkin Pie Recipe!
INGREDIENTS One pumpkin, medium-sized. For fullest celebration of the season,...
Hundreds protested in the streets of Beijing yesterday after the Chinese government announced plans to employ two million “public opinion analysts” with the duty of patrolling comments on social media websites. China has long been accused of stifling citizens’ freedom, especially that dealing with Internet access. The most famous incident occurred last spring, during the height of One Direction fame. When the British pop group’s hit...read more
E. Britt Brockman, Chair of the UK Board of Trustees, released the 2014-2015 budget on Monday. To exactly no one’s surprise, the budget reveals a startling swathe of radical new cuts. What was surprising was that faculty salaries have been completely removed from the budget. “Honestly, I was shocked,” said sociology assistant professor, Dr. Elizabeth Pratt. “I just got this tenure-track job four years ago. I was up for tenure this...read more
Whether you’re a student preparing for midterms, a professor taking a well-earned break from grading, or a journalist sitting at your computer while a man in a black suit holds a loaded gun to the back of your head, you’ve probably heard of the National Security Agency. This hitherto unheard of agency came into the public spotlight when former computer specialist and current terrorist malcontent, Edward Snowden illegally released classified...read more
INGREDIENTS One pumpkin, medium-sized. For fullest celebration of the season, force your neighbors out of their home, wait until they grow a pumpkin, then use this specific pumpkin for your recipe. Don’t forget to invite your neighbors over for dinner to say thank you! Whipped cream. Depending on the cream, you may prefer to use a bullwhip, stockwhip, or riding crop. Remember, always establish a safeword before baking. Brown sugar. For...read more
I am writing into the paper today to express how impressed I am with the city of Chicago’s progress. Many may not think it is what it used to be. Me and my wife took a trip there a few weeks ago for our anniversary. We was amazed at how intact everything was downtown. To think that only a few years ago one of them alien robots knocked out a dozen skyscrapers and destroyed other parts of the city. We were moved by their progress. Why nobody...read more
Excited about the brand new Student Center? We sure are! Here’s are some features that the multi-million dollar facility is reportedly going to include: • state-of-the-art ping-pong tables • chocolate milk fountains • a teleport to the Classroom Building • whites-only dining hall • free popcorn • three Room 251s (one on each floor) • Tommy Two-Tats’ Tattoo Parlor • 3D printer that only prints actual wildcats • Bosch’s...read more
According to numerous sources, including The Colonel’s own foreign correspondent to the Pacific Northwest, Syria has just bombed Damascus, Oregon. The details appear to be fuzzy at this point, yet multiple reputable sources, including the Weekly World News, the Sun, the Sunday Sport, and the New York Times have corroborated, and are now working on shaving, it. First-hand accounts suggest that the missile strike completely eviscerated the...read more
According to reports from a variety of authorities on UK’s campus, the University of Kentucky is undergoing the nation’s first case of invasive lawn chairs, which cropped up seemingly overnight and refuse to be eradicated. “I don’t know where they came from and they won’t go away. They won’t go away!” UK Landscaping Professional Mark Greehan said anxiously and repeatedly, in rather a louder tone of voice than our reporters deemed...read more
Following the UK Board of Trustees’ decision to increase President Eli Capilouto’s salary from the paltry $500,000 a year he currently makes to a more manageable $525,000 in mid-September, the final vote was passed on to the Council of Elders. The only true governing body of the University, The Council of Elders’ decision has been eagerly awaited by all students and faculty, from the greenest of freshmen to the most senile of tenured...read more
Earlier this week, Sophomore Hailey Miller’s boyfriend broke up with her. Last night she created the Ultimate Break-Up playlist consisting only of Beyoncé songs. “Music is what feelings feel like and her words are my emotions. She’s the epitome of the strong woman I aspire to be,” Hailey remarked when asked what drew her to Beyoncé’s music. She has even gone so far as to tweeting her favorite verses: “I can...read more