UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

Published by on September 30, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

LEXINGTON—On the evening of Sunday, September 28, University of Kentucky basketball player Dakari Johnson threw a fellow student dramatically off the roof of Kirwin Tower. Unsurprisingly, the student, an engineering junior named Beatrice Wilson, was killed on impact. The resulting mess and vague UK Alerts alarmed the entire campus while campus police tried to figure out where the body had fallen from, and whether perhaps Wilson had been the...

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The Colonel presents…the oK Book!

Published by on September 15, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page, Print Publications

The Colonel presents…the oK Book!

Now with 350% more totally real and valid advice for UK freshmen and upperclassmen! (Click the link to view full PDF version.) The Official oK Book

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Obama Enters Existential Crisis over Fate of Fruit Fly

Published by on September 7, 2014 in Features, Front Page, U.S.

Obama Enters Existential Crisis over Fate of Fruit Fly

“Why should I have the right to decide the fate of living beings?” a visibly shaken Obama was heard asking himself this Wednesday, upon noticing a fly soundlessly circling around a fruit basket on the White House countertop. According to psychic reporters on the scene, Obama’s initial instinct to swat the fly was quickly outweighed by his conscience, which called for a moralistic reevaluation of the situation. The commander-in-chief then...

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University of Kentucky to Build New Dorms on the Moon

Published by on September 5, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

University of Kentucky to Build New Dorms on the Moon

Yes, unfortunately you did read that correctly. On the night of September 3, 2014, President Eli Capilouto informed reporters at the Colonel of his plan to “launch those hooligans into space.” He may or may not have been drunk at the time, but the truth is uncertain, as our reporter may or may not have been drunk at the time. Operation Blue Moon will begin in earnest during the fall semester and is expected to earn acclaim for being the...

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The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Published by on August 23, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Uncategorized

The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Sharp: Symbol (#) used to raise a note by a half-step (See also: hashtag). Flat: Synonymous with: not much fun to talk to, probably kind of desperate, usually terrible in bed. Natural: Not wearing deodorant. Fermata: Holding out a note or rest, often used to facilitate the changing of a musical thought. For example, gossiping on the phone about your roommate’s promiscuity as she unlocks the door, necessitating a swift topic change to Game of...

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University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Published by on August 23, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Last week, the University of Kentucky announced its newest program, designed to prepare many of UK’s lovely ladies for the long-term position of their dreams: wife. According to the Dean of Students, the program is meant to meet the needs of a surprisingly large demographic of UK students, providing a set coursework with two major pathways in order to best prepare women for their brilliant futures as wives.   Despite an initial fear of...

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34 Ways You Know You’re Reading A Buzzfeed Article

Published by on August 13, 2014 in Features, Front Page

34 Ways You Know You’re Reading A Buzzfeed Article

1. Everything is in numbered bullets, because who has the attention span for paragraphs? 2. The font is just weird enough and just big enough to make you uncomfortable. 3. In an attempt to use the highest titular number possible, the writer has split a single thought… 4. …into multiple points. 5. GIFS! 6. The grammar and spelling isn’t the graetest. It’s not terribly, but it’s not well. 7. There’s an extremely obscure reference to...

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New Research Finds Red Lights May Cause Drivers To Stop

Published by on August 12, 2014 in Front Page, U.S.

New Research Finds Red Lights May Cause Drivers To Stop

In a shocking new study published this week, the Federal Agency Investigating Lights, or FAIL, shares some shocking data that shows a direct correlation between red lights shining in various places above roadways and drivers applying the brake pedal, sometimes even so much that the vehicle comes to a complete stop. “It’s important to remember that correlation does not imply causation,” said FAIL leader Tricia Martin. “There is definitely...

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Going Green

Published by on August 12, 2014 in Campus, Cartoons

Going Green

Drawn by: Grizz

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Participate in Our Article Contest!

Published by on April 10, 2014 in Front Page

Participate in Our Article Contest!

Hey, you! Yes, you! Are you affiliated with UK in some way, shape or form? Are you proficient or  at least slightly less than proficient at constructing sentences and/or sketching political cartoons? Do you like money? If your answer to these questions is “big positivo on that,” you should submit an article/cartoon to the Annual UK Colonel Article/Cartoon contest. When’s the deadline, you ask. The deadline is Thursday, April...

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