The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Published by on August 23, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Uncategorized

The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Sharp: Symbol (#) used to raise a note by a half-step (See also: hashtag). Flat: Synonymous with: not much fun to talk to, probably kind of desperate, usually terrible in bed. Natural: Not wearing deodorant. Fermata: Holding out a note or rest, often used to facilitate the changing of a musical thought. For example, gossiping on the phone about your roommate’s promiscuity as she unlocks the door, necessitating a swift topic change to Game of...

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University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Published by on August 23, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Last week, the University of Kentucky announced its newest program, designed to prepare many of UK’s lovely ladies for the long-term position of their dreams: wife. According to the Dean of Students, the program is meant to meet the needs of a surprisingly large demographic of UK students, providing a set coursework with two major pathways in order to best prepare women for their brilliant futures as wives.   Despite an initial fear of...

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34 Ways You Know You’re Reading A Buzzfeed Article

Published by on August 13, 2014 in Features, Front Page

34 Ways You Know You’re Reading A Buzzfeed Article

1. Everything is in numbered bullets, because who has the attention span for paragraphs? 2. The font is just weird enough and just big enough to make you uncomfortable. 3. In an attempt to use the highest titular number possible, the writer has split a single thought… 4. …into multiple points. 5. GIFS! 6. The grammar and spelling isn’t the graetest. It’s not terribly, but it’s not well. 7. There’s an extremely obscure reference to...

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New Research Finds Red Lights May Cause Drivers To Stop

Published by on August 12, 2014 in Front Page, U.S.

New Research Finds Red Lights May Cause Drivers To Stop

In a shocking new study published this week, the Federal Agency Investigating Lights, or FAIL, shares some shocking data that shows a direct correlation between red lights shining in various places above roadways and drivers applying the brake pedal, sometimes even so much that the vehicle comes to a complete stop. “It’s important to remember that correlation does not imply causation,” said FAIL leader Tricia Martin. “There is definitely...

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Going Green

Published by on August 12, 2014 in Campus, Cartoons

Going Green

Drawn by: Grizz

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Participate in Our Article Contest!

Published by on April 10, 2014 in Front Page

Participate in Our Article Contest!

Hey, you! Yes, you! Are you affiliated with UK in some way, shape or form? Are you proficient or  at least slightly less than proficient at constructing sentences and/or sketching political cartoons? Do you like money? If your answer to these questions is “big positivo on that,” you should submit an article/cartoon to the Annual UK Colonel Article/Cartoon contest. When’s the deadline, you ask. The deadline is Thursday, April...

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Sochi Not So Bad After All

Published by on March 10, 2014 in Front Page, World

Sochi Not So Bad After All

It is hard to believe that the accommodations at Sochi have not been well regarded by the other reporters and visitors to the city.  I found the city to be very comfortable and interesting.   We arrived three days before the opening ceremony and were received by the nicest hotel staff.  They told us that if the water came back on we shouldn’t use it, as it contained poisons.  How nice! They shut off the water, which was surely tampered...

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Flocks of Graduate Students Begin Yearly Migration From Patterson Office Tower to Willy T

Published by on March 7, 2014 in Campus, Front Page

Flocks of Graduate Students Begin Yearly Migration From Patterson Office Tower to Willy T

Lexington — It’s February which means that the graduate students have begun their annual return back south to Willy T. This time of year always peaks interest in the study of graduate student behavior, especially that of traveling in packs around campus. The Colonel sat down with Lexington ornithologist Jack Willis to get a better understanding of the graduates’ behaviors. “The first thing you’ll notice is that they...

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Google to Release Condoms

Published by on March 6, 2014 in Front Page

Google to Release Condoms

Mountain View, CA – Recent years have proven that Google is much more than just a search engine; it’s an empire. While some argue that Google needs to focus on making its search engine better, there’s no denying that they’re making an impact on the world of technology. Google’s next release is sure to have your nerves (the ones right around your groin area) tingling with anticipation. Google plans to release the new Google Condom by...

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Student Uses Pencil Sharpener; Classmates Panic

Published by on March 5, 2014 in Campus, Front Page

Student Uses Pencil Sharpener; Classmates Panic

University of Kentucky – Last Thursday, an unsuspecting 8AM circuits class in FPAT (if you don’t know where that is, don’t worry, it’s for the smart people) was about to get rocked. In the middle of a lecture, second-year engineering student Lee Cooper ran his No.2 Paper-Mate pencil just a little too dull. He proceeded to stand up, walk to the rusty, cobwebbed pencil-sharpener, insert his pencil, and slowly crank the knob. Upon hearing...

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