Misinformed Wildcat Completes Treacherous Journey to UK’s Campus

Published on Aug 17, 2012 in Campus

An emotionally and physically exhausted wildcat completed its journey to the University of Kentucky’s campus early last night. The wildcat, which escaped the Cincinnati Zoo a little over a week ago, has had to brave treacherous days spent hiding from authorities; long, sleepless nights spent running in the approximate direction of Lexington; and soul-crushingly beautiful dawns and dusks spent contemplating existential problems. Reports from...

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William T. Young Socialization Lounge Bans Studying

Published on Aug 17, 2012 in Campus

In a widely expected move earlier today, the University of Kentucky William T. Young Socialization Lounge banned studying. The ban comes just months after lobbying and multiple debates between regular UK students and total nerds. William T. Young, affectionately known as Willy T, is a behemoth five-story social lounge and hangout spot located on central campus. Erected in 1998, it is widely considered the largest social center of its kind in any...

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Sophomore Has To Write Three and a Half More Pages of Some Bullshit Paper

Published on Aug 17, 2012 in Campus

Sophomore Jordan Yeats is three and a half pages away from completing some bullshit essay for his stupid-ass English class. The paper, which was assigned on the first damn day of class, will reportedly count for 10 percent of the total fucking grade. Yeats plans to study some other useless shit and rage upon the completetion of the essay.

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Haggin Residents Protest Demolition Plans

Published on Aug 10, 2012 in Campus

Haggin residents gathered in the Haggin courtyard yesterday to protest news of the residence hall’s demolition scheduled for next year. On-scene reporters confirmed that hundreds of angry, bewildered freshmen showed up to defend their beloved home. Haggin Hall, also known around campus as Shaggin’ Hall, Heaven Hall, and the Dick Dungeon, has been a staple in the central campus community for the past five decades. “This is...

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