Entire African Population Spontaneously Develops Eye Floaters, Imagines Oil Spills

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in World

The entire African population has been suddenly stricken with an eye floater epidemic. The scale of the spontaneous event is absolutely unprecedented. Each and every individual on the continent has reported seeing strange black blobs, that all claim are oil spills, in nearby bodies of water. “These people obviously have no idea what they’re talking about,” said Richard Weed, a spokesman for Royal Dutch Shell plc. “They’re obviously...

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An Average Day in the Life of an Environmentalist Feminist

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in Features, U.S.

I feel an overwhelming duty to correct some dangerous misconceptions about what environmentalism and feminism truly mean, in light of lies spewed forth from the bellies of the Slone “Research” Building and Breckenridge Hall (Home of the Woman-Haters) on campus. One too many are the days I’ve been told environmentalists are just individuals concerned about the sustainability and safety of a grand life-sustaining ecosystem or that feminists...

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Dems Add Ahura Mazda, Krishna to Platform; Fox News Still Complains They Forgot Ares

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in U.S.

At the Democratic National Convention on Wednesday, party leaders facilitated three important platform additions. The first was the inclusion of Ahura Mazda in its official platform. Ahura Mazda is the god of Zoroastrianism, an ancient Persian religion founded sometime around the sixth century BCE by the prophet Zoroaster. The religion still boasts pockets of adherents in India, Iran, and other places around the world. “You see, Zoroaster...

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Akin Learned Biology from Teeth, History from Inglourious Basterds

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in U.S.

In a mid-August interview with St. Louis television station KTVI-TV, Rep. Todd Akin (R) claimed that in cases of “legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Controversy erupted and international condemnation from medical experts ensued, yet Akin maintains his stance on the subject. “This isn’t about science. This is about politics. People are disagreeing with me because I’m against killing babies....

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Mass Hysteria Follows UK Football Win

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in Sports

The festive atmosphere following the University of Kentucky football team’s latest win Saturday was overshadowed by a series of aggressive and outrageously dangerous acts of victory celebration by the Wildcat fan base. The Lexington police force had to deal with a multitude of issues, including flipped cars, burned houses, and a Student Center flooded with water, alcohol, and the blood of Louisville fans. “Me hate Louisville,”...

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