President’s Hatred of America the Reason He is President… Obviously – A Review of 2016: Obama’s America

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in Features, U.S.

Times have changed in this country – women are working outside the home, atheists are kicking Christian babies in the face, Communists are no longer shot on sight, and an African-“American” man is in the Oval Office. Since he was elected in 2008, Barack Obama has thanked the American public by imploding this country from within, grinning and wiping his anus with our beloved Constitution. Picking up on this fact, honorary patriot Dinesh...

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Naming Wildcat Statue Causes Headaches, Loss of Faith in Humanity

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in Campus

Below is the result of an informal Colonel survey of names suggested for the new wildcat statue on campus. “Wait, this is where my tuition went?” – 2 votes Adolph – 12 votes The NEW Ashley Judd – 132 votes Lee Todd II – 285 votes Fluffy – 576 votes Coach Cal – 677 votes Larry the Cable Wildcat – 678 votes God help us all.

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Paris Hilton: New Jeans “DEFENETLY Worth Deth of 300 Pakistans”

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in U.S., World

On Sept. 12, more than 300 Pakistani workers died in a fire in a garment factory. The factory had no fire exits, and many of the doors were locked. More importantly, however, Paris Hilton has come out with an official statement on the incident. Writing on her blog last night, Hilton stated, “i dont care like wut hapened 2 those like uh brown stan people things! i just wanted my new jeans ya no?” When asked whether the jeans were worth the...

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Law School Parking Lot Renovated for Sake of Everyone Else

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in Campus

First-year students at the College of Law may have been put off to learn that the rendering of the future law school featured on the top-law-schools.com website was merely a pre-2008-financial-crisis pipe dream. However, construction in the parking lot adjacent will soon give students something even better: a new parking lot for the Mineral Sciences Building and Erikson Hall. “Well, since we are [UK CEO] Eli [Capilouto]’s lowest priority on...

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Deadly Militant Attacks in Libya

Published on Sep 17, 2012 in World

After an attack of militant Islamist groups on the Benghazi consulate, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah the American ambassador blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah Libya’s leaders apologized for the attacks but blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah rebels blah blah blah....

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