Local Hipster Dresses Down for Seasonal Change

Published on Oct 15, 2012 in Campus, Features

Frank Onyon, irritated that everyone has been copying his look – or his self-described “oeuvre” – has been seen around campus in nothing but an A-frame tee shirt, bright lime-green hot pants, and calf-high socks with bunnies on them. “I just saw everyone around me copying everything I was about, you know?” he stated, nervously puffing on a Fantasia cigarette and pushing his black-rimmed glasses up his nose. “I saw people in tight...

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Freshman Enjoys Strategically Timed Masturbation Session

Published on Oct 15, 2012 in Campus

Reports have surfaced that freshman Alan Richey held a strategically timed masturbation session in his room in Kirwan 2 between 2:07 p.m. and 2:29 p.m. this Friday. The period of time, painstakingly derived through a mixture of graduate-level statistics and socio-psychological meta-analysis, was meant to optimize the privacy of the session. “My roommate, Zack [Springfield], never leaves the room, and when he does, he has a knack for...

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Violence Over Austerity Felt Overseas

Published on Oct 15, 2012 in World

Rioters protesting Greek austerity measures and the burgeoning Spanish deficit violence have swept American shores, with outrage over unfair labor practices artfully concealed over the Twitter-verse by reference to the spurious dispute between the NFL and its referees. Even Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, noted for his stand-offs with local unions, expressed support, tweeting “After catching a few hours of sleep, the #Packers game is still...

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Study: 6 out of 6 Dentists Believe that Reading the Colonel Improves Your Dental Health

Published on Oct 15, 2012 in Features

In a study performed and published by the Colonel earlier this month, six out of every six dentists surveyed agreed that regular consumption of Colonel articles significantly improves dental health. The study, which surveyed a simple random sample of Fayette County dental hygienists, asked the participants to answer “true” or “false” to questions such as: “I believe that reading the Colonel more frequently than twice a week can lead...

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Pledges Hazed By Being Forced to Watch UK Game

Published on Oct 15, 2012 in Campus, Sports

A thorough report released by UK’s Intrafraternity Council earlier today claims that Pi Delta Delta fraternity pledges were hazed by being forced to attend and watch the UK football game against Mississippi State. The 117-page dispatch claims that the seriousness of the charges is such that an immediate expulsion of the fraternity from campus is recommended. The IFC first heard about the possible hazing early Saturday afternoon, when they...

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