GE Invents Automobile That Runs On Petroleum-Based Fuel

Published on Nov 28, 2012 in Front Page, U.S.

General Electric announced on Friday that it is about to unveil an automobile that will be powered by petroleum-based gasoline.  The automobile, or “car”, as it may be referred to, will hold roughly four to five people and reportedly max out at a speed of 150 miles per hour. GE’s latest innovation will prove false skeptics who claimed that a vehicle powered by a safe, renewable fuel source was said to be years off in the future. Sources...

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Horoscope 11/26/12 – 12/2/12

Published on Nov 26, 2012 in Front Page, Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) There are two ways out of your current predicament, and both involve purchasing a labradoodle. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your decision to attend a major public school in the South will be reaffirmed as you drunkedly jam out to Wagon Wheel along with the rest of Cane’s. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Stalking your ex-girlfriend’s Facebook profile almost never leads to emotional satisfaction, but then again,...

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Credit Communism: Obama To Redistribute UK Students’ Credit Hours

Published on Nov 24, 2012 in Campus, Front Page, U.S.

As was feared by a multitude of Wildcats upon Obama’s re-election, the president has announced plans to redistribute students’ accumulated credit hours. The redistribution, which has been researched almost non-stop by a task force put together by Obama within days of his re-election, has been methodically analyzing the UK credit hour structure. Although unpopular among Seniors who may have to take up to an additional semester of classes to...

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Sunday Night Football: Jerusalem Jaguars Top Gaza Patriots

Published on Nov 19, 2012 in Front Page, Sports, World

After a hard-fought battle, the Jerusalem Jaguars defeated the Gaza Patriots earlier tonight, beating them 27-20 and crushing their hopes of finally prevailing in the heated rivalry. Despite a fair amount of success for the Patriots on the offensive end, the Jaguars’ staunch defense proved enough to win it in the end. The Jaguars used the 3-4, a few exotic blitzes, and their patented Iron Dome formation to thwart a crucial series of Patriots...

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Satirical Journalist Struggling To Come Up With Good Topic For Feature Article

Published on Nov 15, 2012 in Features

Colonel contributor Atanas Golev has been struggling to come up with a quality feature article. Sources close to Golev claimed that the aspiring satirist has been experiencing a bout of writers’ block spanning approximately 40 minutes now. According to the sources, Golev has been sitting at a table at Willy T for that span of time, nervously shaking his legs and procrastinating by spending short amounts of time on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube,...

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