J. Lo. Killed by Border Patrol

Published on Feb 18, 2013 in Front Page, U.S., World

Last night actress and singer Jennifer Lopez was shot and killed at the Texas border. Mrs. Lopez had been in the area to shoot the highly-anticipated Gigli II: This Time We Mean Revenge… Really… For Real… We Mean It. “She was asking for it,” said officer Peter Panitsky, who shot the 43-year old mother with a high-range sniper rifle as she stood pushing her 4-year-old twins, Emme and Maximilian, on swings. This death comes after another...

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The Donovan Orgy

Published on Feb 17, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

Around 11:50 PM every weekday, girls residing in Donovan Hall partake in a synchronized, full-on make-out session with their departing boyfriends. Due to the number of couples partaking in passionate goodbyes, innocent onlookers often confuse this with an intentional act of unrestrained communal sensuality, an acts some call: The Donovan Orgy. Donovan Hall’s visitation hours end at midnight, minus the weekends. It is virtually impossible to...

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Phi Delta Theta Announces Carnival Cruise Theme Party

Published on Feb 16, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

The Kentucky Epsilon chapter of Phi Delta Theta announced earlier today that it will be hosting the first annual Carnival Carnival tonight. The party, which will will incorporate facets of this week’s Carnival cruise fiasco, during which the cruise ship was stranded in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico for five days and needed to be towed back ashore. These facets will reportedly include, but will not be limited to, steamy temperatures, an...

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Holy Shit! TLC Announces New Reality Show: My Life as the Pope

Published on Feb 15, 2013 in Front Page, World

The Roman Catholic Church and practicing Catholics are in a tizzy about the selection process for next pope. Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation from papacy, due to health related complications, on Monday morning. The coveted position is currently open and the Vatican is accepting applications. The opening will be filled at the end of February. In the meantime, a merger between the Vatican and the American television network, TLC has...

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How to Survive Valentine’s Day

Published on Feb 12, 2013 in Features, Front Page

Ah, Valentine’s Day, your old foe. “Vendetta Day,” as you call it. The last time you received a card and chocolate from the opposite gender was during a mandatory fourth grade party. Last year on Valentine’s Day you munched on Taco Bell and watched Star Wars – which was a pretty good day in your book. You try to forget what Cosmo or Askmen.com says about Valentine’s Day. You know romantic movies, pornography, chocolates, and a night...

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