Class Sizes to Increase at UK

Published on Apr 26, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

LEXINGTON– UK administration recently announced further cost-saving measures to help the university get through these tough economic times. I caught up with President Capilouto on his gold-plated yacht, the Skrilla II today to get the scoop. As a white-gloved servant brought us martinis, Capilouto explained the newest strategy. “Basically,” he said, “we realized that all these Teaching Assistantships we offer to graduate students are...

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UK Student Might Rate Professor as a “2”

Published on Apr 25, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

LEXINGTON– As UK students eagerly anticipate the end of term, many are forming summer plans. “I’m heading to Florida to get a tan,” gushed freshman music major Malory Guffman. “I’m white as paste.” Some students, however, are still wrestling with evaluating their professors. Junior computer science major Joseph Rhonda is struggling. “These things are really important, aren’t they? I mean, people get raises if they teach...

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Capilouto’s Farts to be Sponsored by Friends of Coal

Published on Apr 22, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

Friends of Coal today announced that they will be sponsoring every single fart from President Capilouto during the remainder of his time at UK. In a press conference today, reporters asked Friends of Coal spokesman Bobby Pruett why his group would want to sponsor Capilouto’s farts, and why now? “The first rule of marketing,” Pruett said, “is that you’ve got to get people’s attention. And friends, when the President of this university...

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Girlfriend Discovers Boyfriend Watches Porn

Published on Apr 21, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

This morning, UK junior Hayley Riney caught her boyfriend of three weeks, Ryan Smith, watching porn on the internet. Riney states that she was shocked to find out that “real men” watched trash. Smith has yet to deny watching “Crazy Hot Lesbian Banged in the Shower” online. Riney is currently performing the silent treatment and withholding sex from Smith until she receives a formal apology. When asked what she expects from Smith, Riney...

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