Update: Jesus Committed Fashion Sins

Published on Apr 20, 2013 in Features, Front Page

A new discovery reveals that Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God, and savior to mankind, wore Birkenstocks and socks. The discovery was revealed at the beginning of the week when esteemed art historian Simon Schama announced that the man depicted in ancient cave paintings, located in an undisclosed cave in the Holy Land, are the earliest known depictions of Jesus Christ. The ancient painting displays Jesus, leading his twelve disciples, wearing a...

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W.T. Young Library to Open Bar at Circulation Desk

Published on Apr 19, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

In a surprise reversal of his decision to keep UK’s campus “dry,” President Capilouto announced today that UK’s prestigious W.T. Young Library will open a bar at the circulation desk on the first floor. Installation of the bar, named Amazon.com KindleKats Sports Bar, will take place over the summer term. “It was an easy decision, actually,” the President explained. “Most students bring alcoholic drinks to the library anyway, and by...

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After No Investigation, U.S. Identifies Boston Bomber as al-Qaeda

Published on Apr 18, 2013 in Features, Front Page, U.S.

Two explosions shook the Boston Marathon, and the country, Monday, 15 April 2013. According to the latest reports, three people died in the attack, and 130 were injured. The identity of the individual or group responsible is as of yet unknown. “We’re working on it,” said Janet Napolitano, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security. “As of right now, every single person working in the U.S. government and military is working on figuring out who...

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