Boomslang Splinter Group Promises to Host More Bands You’ve Never Heard Of

Published on Sep 23, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

While the popular local festival, Boomslang, is into it’s second night of art showcases and music acts, what the people are really taking about is the splinter group that is going off to form their own festival full of bands they promise you’ve definitely never heard of. The Colonel was able to speak to the leader of this group, Dacoda Twig Philips, about what caused this split and what this new group has to offer. “We just felt...

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Organized Reading of Torah Largely Ignored

Published on Sep 19, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

STUDENT CENTER—- The free speech zone was occupied today by a number of the University’s Jewish students holding a public reading of what will, by the event’s end, be the entirety of the Written Torah, or Tanakh. Using anonymously donated scrolls (called ‘Sifrei Torah’) and ornate sticks (called ‘page pointers’), students stood in the 85° weather reciting long passages of the Books of Moses. Sophomore Abigail Katz began the...

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Four Out of Five Dentists Surveyed Recommend That Everyone Fuck Off

Published on Sep 18, 2013 in Front Page

A new study funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has revealed that more than 80 percent of dentists feel that all patients should just fuck off. A majority of the clinicians polled answered that, in their expert opinion, the public can “just stop flossing once and for all; see if I give a shit.” One visibly agitated respondent even added that she strongly recommends that the average member of general American populace...

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New School Year Resolutions

Published on Sep 17, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

Coming back to school in the fall is like starting a whole new year for most students. And just like what those middle-aged women or lonely bachelors do on New Year’s, college kids set resolutions. Everyone can tell that those check lists and internal promises are vital to their success. They stick to these goals and not a thing can draw them away. After polling some students around campus, I’ve found the top three resolutions to live by...

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Jesus Christ, Calm Down – An Exclusive Opinion Piece by J.K. Rowling

Published on Sep 16, 2013 in Front Page

Ever since Warner Brothers announced my new project, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the world has literally been over swept with the affection and salty, salty tears of Harry Potter’s fans. My fans. It’s great that everyone in the world, from aristocrats to starving Ethiopian children, are excited for this new project from me, BAFTA award winning authoress J.K. Rowling. I really do mean that, from the bottom of my heart. However,...

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