China Expands Surveillance State

Published on Nov 25, 2013 in Front Page, World

Hundreds protested in the streets of Beijing yesterday after the Chinese government announced plans to employ two million “public opinion analysts” with the duty of patrolling comments on social media websites. China has long been accused of stifling citizens’ freedom, especially that dealing with Internet access. The most famous incident occurred last spring, during the height of One Direction fame. When the British pop group’s hit...

Read More

2014 Budget Revealed: Faculty Salaries Completely Cut

Published on Nov 21, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

E. Britt Brockman, Chair of the UK Board of Trustees, released the 2014-2015 budget on Monday. To exactly no one’s surprise, the budget reveals a startling swathe of radical new cuts. What was surprising was that faculty salaries have been completely removed from the budget. “Honestly, I was shocked,” said sociology assistant professor, Dr. Elizabeth Pratt. “I just got this tenure-track job four years ago. I was up for tenure this...

Read More

I LOVE THE NSA!

Published on Nov 19, 2013 in Front Page, U.S.

Whether you’re a student preparing for midterms, a professor taking a well-earned break from grading, or a journalist sitting at your computer while a man in a black suit holds a loaded gun to the back of your head, you’ve probably heard of the National Security Agency. This hitherto unheard of agency came into the public spotlight when former computer specialist and current terrorist malcontent, Edward Snowden illegally released classified...

Read More

Pumpkin Pie Recipe!

Published on Nov 18, 2013 in Features, Front Page

INGREDIENTS One pumpkin, medium-sized. For fullest celebration of the season, force your neighbors out of their home, wait until they grow a pumpkin, then use this specific pumpkin for your recipe. Don’t forget to invite your neighbors over for dinner to say thank you! Whipped cream. Depending on the cream, you may prefer to use a bullwhip, stockwhip, or riding crop. Remember, always establish a safeword before baking. Brown sugar. For...

Read More

What Do YOU Think? Readers Write…

Published on Nov 17, 2013 in Features, Front Page

I am writing into the paper today to express how impressed I am with the city of Chicago’s progress. Many may not think it is what it used to be. Me and my wife took a trip there a few weeks ago for our anniversary. We was amazed at how intact everything was downtown. To think that only a few years ago one of them alien robots knocked out a dozen skyscrapers and destroyed other parts of the city. We were moved by their progress. Why nobody...

Read More