Features to Be Included In New Student Center

Published on Nov 16, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

Excited about the brand new Student Center? We sure are! Here’s are some features that the multi-million dollar facility is reportedly going to include: • state-of-the-art ping-pong tables • chocolate milk fountains • a teleport to the Classroom Building • whites-only dining hall • free popcorn • three Room 251s (one on each floor) • Tommy Two-Tats’ Tattoo Parlor • 3D printer that only prints actual wildcats • Bosch’s...

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Syria Bombs US

Published on Nov 15, 2013 in Front Page, U.S., World

According to numerous sources, including The Colonel’s own foreign correspondent to the Pacific Northwest, Syria has just bombed Damascus, Oregon. The details appear to be fuzzy at this point, yet multiple reputable sources, including the Weekly World News, the Sun, the Sunday Sport, and the New York Times have corroborated, and are now working on shaving, them. First-hand accounts suggest that the missile strike completely eviscerated the...

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Invasive Multicolored Lawn Chairs Plague Campus

Published on Nov 14, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

According to reports from a variety of authorities on UK’s campus, the University of Kentucky is undergoing the nation’s first case of invasive lawn chairs, which cropped up seemingly overnight and refuse to be eradicated. “I don’t know where they came from and they won’t go away. They won’t go away!” UK Landscaping Professional Mark Greehan said anxiously and repeatedly, in rather a louder tone of voice than our reporters deemed...

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University of Kentucky Council of Elders Approves Capilouto’s Salary Increase

Published on Nov 13, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

Following the UK Board of Trustees’ decision to increase President Eli Capilouto’s salary from the paltry $500,000 a year he currently makes to a more manageable $525,000 in mid-September, the final vote was passed on to the Council of Elders. The only true governing body of the University, The Council of Elders’ decision has been eagerly awaited by all students and faculty, from the greenest of freshmen to the most senile of tenured...

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College Sophomore is Dumped by Boyfriend, Soothed by Beyoncé

Published on Nov 13, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

Earlier this week, Sophomore Hailey Miller’s boyfriend broke up with her. Last night she created the Ultimate Break-Up playlist consisting only of Beyoncé songs. “Music is what feelings feel like and her words are my emotions. She’s the epitome of the strong woman I aspire to be,” Hailey remarked when asked what drew her to Beyoncé’s music. She has even gone so far as to tweeting her favorite verses: “I can...

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