The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Published on Aug 23, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Uncategorized

Sharp: Symbol (#) used to raise a note by a half-step (See also: hashtag). Flat: Synonymous with: not much fun to talk to, probably kind of desperate, usually terrible in bed. Natural: Not wearing deodorant. Fermata: Holding out a note or rest, often used to facilitate the changing of a musical thought. For example, gossiping on the phone about your roommate’s promiscuity as she unlocks the door, necessitating a swift topic change to Game of...

Read More

University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Published on Aug 23, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Last week, the University of Kentucky announced its newest program, designed to prepare many of UK’s lovely ladies for the long-term position of their dreams: wife. According to the Dean of Students, the program is meant to meet the needs of a surprisingly large demographic of UK students, providing a set coursework with two major pathways in order to best prepare women for their brilliant futures as wives.   Despite an initial fear of...

Read More

34 Ways You Know You’re Reading A Buzzfeed Article

Published on Aug 13, 2014 in Features, Front Page

1. Everything is in numbered bullets, because who has the attention span for paragraphs? 2. The font is just weird enough and just big enough to make you uncomfortable. 3. In an attempt to use the highest titular number possible, the writer has split a single thought… 4. …into multiple points. 5. GIFS! 6. The grammar and spelling isn’t the graetest. It’s not terribly, but it’s not well. 7. There’s an extremely obscure reference to...

Read More

New Research Finds Red Lights May Cause Drivers To Stop

Published on Aug 12, 2014 in Front Page, U.S.

In a shocking new study published this week, the Federal Agency Investigating Lights, or FAIL, shares some shocking data that shows a direct correlation between red lights shining in various places above roadways and drivers applying the brake pedal, sometimes even so much that the vehicle comes to a complete stop. “It’s important to remember that correlation does not imply causation,” said FAIL leader Tricia Martin. “There is definitely...

Read More