McConnell Concedes Senate Power to Sauron

Published on Dec 4, 2014 in Elections, Features, Front Page, U.S., Uncategorized

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a move that may very well go down in history as both daring and the first step on a long road to the utter destruction of the races of men, long-serving Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell announced at a press conference on Sunday that he would be stepping down from his newly acquired senate majority leader position and placing all of his support firmly behind an appointed replacement, senatorial newcomer Sauron the Dark...

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Writers for Campus Newspaper are Basic

Published on Oct 17, 2014 in Features, Front Page

October 16th proved to be a chilling day in the world of college news when The University of Kentucky’s own Kentucky Kernel revealed that their entire news staff, from their elusive editor-in-chief down to the most recent of freshman journalism majors, is comprised of people who are basic. The news was revealed in a frighteningly real opinion column in the October 16th edition of the Kernel entitled “We should stop calling people’s tastes...

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Horoscopes: 10/13/14 – 10/19/14

Published on Oct 14, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will fall down the stairs the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Ask not what UK Dining can do for you. Because the answer is literally nothing. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will be unlucky in love this week. Specifically you, William. We’re through. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) At the corner of Huguelet and Rose, turn right. Continue for 500 feet…turn back....

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Horoscopes: 10/6/14-10/13/14

Published on Oct 6, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You may think that cutting ties with your neo-Nazi friends will solve all of your problems, but it’ll just further complicate half-Windsor knots. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You started to work at an apiary to find your soul mate, but you’re about to learn the hard way that the saying is not “beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.” Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your Friday night will be...

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U2 Album Incites Conversation, Talk of “Leprechaun-Minions”

Published on Oct 2, 2014 in Features, Front Page, World

Irish rock band U2 shocked fans September 9th with the release of their album Songs of Innocence. Through a partnership with BlackBerry, their new album is available to all BlackBerry users—for free! As part of a daring marketing move, U2 made an appearance at the 2014 unveiling of the BlackBerry -6. Lead singer Bono burst onto stage, sending the audience—numbering just over four people and an elderly hamster—into a frenzy. When asked...

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