UKAA Gets “Good ‘ol Boy” Interest Rate From University of Kentucky

Published on Apr 28, 2011 in Archives, Campus

LEXINGTON—The University of Kentucky Board of Trustees passed a unanimous resolution to float the University of Kentucky Athletic Association (UKAA) a $3 million loan so the scoreboard at Commonwealth Stadium could be upgraded.  The loan is to be issued at 1.64% APR, otherwise known as the “University of Kentucky General Fund Good ‘ol Boy Rate.” “We shopped around to come up with the cash we need for the scoreboard project, and this...

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Local Unemployed Ponzi Artist Crumbles Under Burden of Multiple Twitter Accounts

Published on Feb 18, 2011 in Archives, U.S.

LEXINGTON—Eruelius Penn. Marrtin, a unemployed resident of Lexington, crumbled yesterday under the weight of his multiple twitter accounts.  Marrtin announced that he downloaded and installed Anti-Social, a productivity software for his electronic devices that sets up a firewall blocking Twitter, Facebook, and other social media platforms.  It was estimated that Marrtin spent 17 hours per day trying to create an organic dialogue between his...

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Beleaguered Professor Reaches Settlement with University of Kentucky

Published on Jan 20, 2011 in Archives, Campus

LEXINGTON—Mark Ransfield, a beleaguered Professor of Musicology at Northwest South Dakota State University, reached a $215,000 out-of-court settlement with the University of Kentucky.  Ransfield, a devout and open follower of Yazidism, filed suit after he had been denied a job as the Associate Dean of the College of Fine Arts.  Confidential court documents, which surfaced early in the legal proceedings, revealed that Ransfield had been a...

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Geography Department Hires Search Firm to Locate Visiting Assistant Professor

Published on Nov 16, 2010 in Archives, Campus

LEXINGTON—The University of Kentucky’s Department of Geography, a unit within the College of Arts & Sciences, announced that it has contracted the services of Greenwood/Asher & Associates, a corporate head-hunting firm that specializes in hires for the education sector.  The firm has been selected to locate a suitable Visiting Assistant Professor for the upcoming 2011-2012 academic year.  While the final cost to the University of...

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In Memoriam: ProgressLex (February 2010-September 2010)

Published on Nov 12, 2010 in Archives, U.S.

Note:  This article is by new Colonel contributor Contraband Hawkings LEXINGTON—ProgressLex, a popular satirical organization, passed away without much notice at the end of September.  In the tradition of other satirists like Jonathan Swift, writers of The Onion, and the Republican Party, ProgressLex aimed to show the ridiculous side of local politics, often by valorizing unimportant concerns to show how our efforts are often misguided....

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UK Honors IMG Contract and Cancels Vanderbilt Game

Published on Nov 9, 2010 in Archives, Campus, Sports

LEXINGTON–The University of Kentucky Athletics Association announced that the football game between the Wildcats and the Vanderbilt Commodores, scheduled for Saturday, November 13, has been canceled.  By playing, UK would have violated its $80 million contractual agreement with the independent sports, entertainment, and media marketing firm, IMG.  UK’s contract with IMG stipulates that the Wildcats may not use Commonwealth Stadium to play...

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