UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

Published on Sep 30, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

LEXINGTON—On the evening of Sunday, September 28, University of Kentucky basketball player Dakari Johnson threw a fellow student dramatically off the roof of Kirwin Tower. Unsurprisingly, the student, an engineering junior named Beatrice Wilson, was killed on impact. The resulting mess and vague UK Alerts alarmed the entire campus while campus police tried to figure out where the body had fallen from, and whether perhaps Wilson had been the...

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University of Kentucky to Build New Dorms on the Moon

Published on Sep 5, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Yes, unfortunately you did read that correctly. On the night of September 3, 2014, President Eli Capilouto informed reporters at the Colonel of his plan to “launch those hooligans into space.” He may or may not have been drunk at the time, but the truth is uncertain, as our reporter may or may not have been drunk at the time. Operation Blue Moon will begin in earnest during the fall semester and is expected to earn acclaim for being the...

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University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Published on Aug 23, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Last week, the University of Kentucky announced its newest program, designed to prepare many of UK’s lovely ladies for the long-term position of their dreams: wife. According to the Dean of Students, the program is meant to meet the needs of a surprisingly large demographic of UK students, providing a set coursework with two major pathways in order to best prepare women for their brilliant futures as wives.   Despite an initial fear of...

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Flocks of Graduate Students Begin Yearly Migration From Patterson Office Tower to Willy T

Published on Mar 7, 2014 in Campus, Front Page

Lexington — It’s February which means that the graduate students have begun their annual return back south to Willy T. This time of year always peaks interest in the study of graduate student behavior, especially that of traveling in packs around campus. The Colonel sat down with Lexington ornithologist Jack Willis to get a better understanding of the graduates’ behaviors. “The first thing you’ll notice is that they...

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