Big, Dumb Open Mic Night: A Night To Remember

Published on Mar 9, 2015 in Campus, Features, Front Page

LEXINGTON, KY– As many of you will doubtless already know, the crossover event known as the Big, Dumb Open Mic Night, hosted last Friday by both UK’s esteemed literary magazine, Shale, and UK’s finest student-run newspaper, The Colonel, was an overwhelming success. The editors of both publications reserved the Cats Den for the evening in order to showcase a variety of student talents, such as stand-up comedy, poetry readings, falconry,...

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Line at Ovid’s Causes UK Students to Graduate Late

Published on Feb 19, 2015 in Campus, Features, Front Page

LEXINGTON, KY— According to university faculty, the average time taken to complete a four-year degree at the University of Kentucky is actually five years, and speculation as to the cause of this delay is rising. Many point to the obscenely long lines that develop at Ovid’s. The lines have been an issue of concern for years, but recently they have reached an unprecedented level of debate due to their increasing size. Lines frequently expand...

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Flares Used To Prevent Roosting In William T. Young Library

Published on Dec 10, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

LEXINGTON, KY- Autumn brings cool air, falling leaves, and freshman girls pining for romance. However, the natural unhappy state of these lovelorn creatures was interrupted when this year’s K Book announced that the fifth floor is the “best place on campus to get a date.” Since the arrival of pumpkin spice lattes, freshmen have flocked to the library to make nests on the fifth floor. Librarian Sylvia Snow is perplexed about the...

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UK Basketball Player Literally Murders Someone, Gets Sent To Time-Out Chair

Published on Sep 30, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

LEXINGTON—On the evening of Sunday, September 28, University of Kentucky basketball player Dakari Johnson threw a fellow student dramatically off the roof of Kirwin Tower. Unsurprisingly, the student, an engineering junior named Beatrice Wilson, was killed on impact. The resulting mess and vague UK Alerts alarmed the entire campus while campus police tried to figure out where the body had fallen from, and whether perhaps Wilson had been the...

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University of Kentucky to Build New Dorms on the Moon

Published on Sep 5, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Yes, unfortunately you did read that correctly. On the night of September 3, 2014, President Eli Capilouto informed reporters at the Colonel of his plan to “launch those hooligans into space.” He may or may not have been drunk at the time, but the truth is uncertain, as our reporter may or may not have been drunk at the time. Operation Blue Moon will begin in earnest during the fall semester and is expected to earn acclaim for being the...

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