Student Uses Pencil Sharpener; Classmates Panic

Published on Mar 5, 2014 in Campus, Front Page

University of Kentucky – Last Thursday, an unsuspecting 8AM circuits class in FPAT (if you don’t know where that is, don’t worry, it’s for the smart people) was about to get rocked. In the middle of a lecture, second-year engineering student Lee Cooper ran his No.2 Paper-Mate pencil just a little too dull. He proceeded to stand up, walk to the rusty, cobwebbed pencil-sharpener, insert his pencil, and slowly crank the knob. Upon hearing...

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Graphic Propaganda Displayed on Campus

Published on Feb 11, 2014 in Campus, Front Page

LEXINGTON—Students were startled at pictures of holocaust victims and playboy models displayed outside the Whitehall Classroom Building on Wednesday, November 13. The Center for Bio-Ethical Reform, a national anti-sex group that holds demonstrations on many college campuses, erected signs and passed out pamphlets at the request of the UK Christian Student Fellowship. “WARNING GENOCIDE PHOTOS AHEAD” signs were placed along the walkways...

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2014 Budget Revealed: Faculty Salaries Completely Cut

Published on Nov 21, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

E. Britt Brockman, Chair of the UK Board of Trustees, released the 2014-2015 budget on Monday. To exactly no one’s surprise, the budget reveals a startling swathe of radical new cuts. What was surprising was that faculty salaries have been completely removed from the budget. “Honestly, I was shocked,” said sociology assistant professor, Dr. Elizabeth Pratt. “I just got this tenure-track job four years ago. I was up for tenure this...

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Features to Be Included In New Student Center

Published on Nov 16, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

Excited about the brand new Student Center? We sure are! Here’s are some features that the multi-million dollar facility is reportedly going to include: • state-of-the-art ping-pong tables • chocolate milk fountains • a teleport to the Classroom Building • whites-only dining hall • free popcorn • three Room 251s (one on each floor) • Tommy Two-Tats’ Tattoo Parlor • 3D printer that only prints actual wildcats • Bosch’s...

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Invasive Multicolored Lawn Chairs Plague Campus

Published on Nov 14, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

According to reports from a variety of authorities on UK’s campus, the University of Kentucky is undergoing the nation’s first case of invasive lawn chairs, which cropped up seemingly overnight and refuse to be eradicated. “I don’t know where they came from and they won’t go away. They won’t go away!” UK Landscaping Professional Mark Greehan said anxiously and repeatedly, in rather a louder tone of voice than our reporters deemed...

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University of Kentucky Council of Elders Approves Capilouto’s Salary Increase

Published on Nov 13, 2013 in Campus, Front Page

Following the UK Board of Trustees’ decision to increase President Eli Capilouto’s salary from the paltry $500,000 a year he currently makes to a more manageable $525,000 in mid-September, the final vote was passed on to the Council of Elders. The only true governing body of the University, The Council of Elders’ decision has been eagerly awaited by all students and faculty, from the greenest of freshmen to the most senile of tenured...

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