McConnell Concedes Senate Power to Sauron

Published on Dec 4, 2014 in Elections, Features, Front Page, U.S., Uncategorized

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a move that may very well go down in history as both daring and the first step on a long road to the utter destruction of the races of men, long-serving Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell announced at a press conference on Sunday that he would be stepping down from his newly acquired senate majority leader position and placing all of his support firmly behind an appointed replacement, senatorial newcomer Sauron the Dark...

Read More

2012 Presidential Drink-a-Thon

Published on Nov 4, 2012 in Elections, Front Page, U.S.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein came away with a big win this weekend after competing in the 2012 Presidential Candidate Drink-a-Thon. The contest, sponsored by Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey and J.P. Morgan Chase and Company, was the last chance for the presidential candidates to square off against each other before next week’s election. The drink-a-thon, a favorite pre-election procedure among...

Read More

A Day in the Life of…

Published on Nov 4, 2012 in Elections, U.S.

Mitt Romney 7:30 a.m. – Wakes up to the sound of a 50-piece symphonic orchestra playing in his bedroom. 8:00 a.m. – Changes out of his special Mormon underwear with the assistance of his staff. 8:10 a.m. – Eats breakfast with wife and 17 sons. 8:45 a.m. – Reviews Obamacare policy. Admires that it sounds exactly like something he drafted. 9:30 a.m. – Skips the morning paper in favor of perusing binders full of women. 10:38 a.m. –...

Read More

Biden struggles to pick costume

Published on Nov 4, 2012 in Elections, U.S.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Incumbent vice-president Joe Biden has had a tough time trying to decide what costume to wear for Halloween. Even though the holiday has already passed, the former senator is still struggling to make a game-time decision between a number of excellent costume choices. According to White House Director of Communications Dan Pfeiffer, Biden was enthralled by the abundance of costumes available at first. “From Dog the Booty...

Read More

Kentucky – The Firstest State

Published on Nov 4, 2012 in Elections, U.S.

The only vice-presidential debate of the 2012 election season was held in Danville, KY, a few weeks ago. Although the debate turned out to be a great success— in which at least one protestor was (probably) water boarded for having an opinion that was not preapproved—the event was also generally recognized as a glaring oversight on the part of the Ministry of Truth/Commission on Presidential Debates. Kentucky is by far the most important...

Read More

Jesus rejected as GOP candidate

Published on Nov 4, 2012 in Elections, Front Page, U.S.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Jesus of Nazareth claims he was the target of a party-wide conspiracy within the Republican Party to stamp out any thoughts he might have had for a political future. “Reince Priebus approached me one day in Jan. 2011, saying, ‘Now Jesus, I know you’ve had your heart set on this ‘Second Coming’ business, but I don’t think you’re really what the party needs right now,’” said the Son of Man. “I cant...

Read More