Obama Enters Existential Crisis over Fate of Fruit Fly

Published on Sep 7, 2014 in Features, Front Page, U.S.

“Why should I have the right to decide the fate of living beings?” a visibly shaken Obama was heard asking himself this Wednesday, upon noticing a fly soundlessly circling around a fruit basket on the White House countertop. According to psychic reporters on the scene, Obama’s initial instinct to swat the fly was quickly outweighed by his conscience, which called for a moralistic reevaluation of the situation. The commander-in-chief then...

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University of Kentucky to Build New Dorms on the Moon

Published on Sep 5, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Yes, unfortunately you did read that correctly. On the night of September 3, 2014, President Eli Capilouto informed reporters at the Colonel of his plan to “launch those hooligans into space.” He may or may not have been drunk at the time, but the truth is uncertain, as our reporter may or may not have been drunk at the time. Operation Blue Moon will begin in earnest during the fall semester and is expected to earn acclaim for being the...

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The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Published on Aug 23, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Uncategorized

Sharp: Symbol (#) used to raise a note by a half-step (See also: hashtag). Flat: Synonymous with: not much fun to talk to, probably kind of desperate, usually terrible in bed. Natural: Not wearing deodorant. Fermata: Holding out a note or rest, often used to facilitate the changing of a musical thought. For example, gossiping on the phone about your roommate’s promiscuity as she unlocks the door, necessitating a swift topic change to Game of...

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University of Kentucky To Add MRS Program

Published on Aug 23, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

Last week, the University of Kentucky announced its newest program, designed to prepare many of UK’s lovely ladies for the long-term position of their dreams: wife. According to the Dean of Students, the program is meant to meet the needs of a surprisingly large demographic of UK students, providing a set coursework with two major pathways in order to best prepare women for their brilliant futures as wives.   Despite an initial fear of...

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34 Ways You Know You’re Reading A Buzzfeed Article

Published on Aug 13, 2014 in Features, Front Page

1. Everything is in numbered bullets, because who has the attention span for paragraphs? 2. The font is just weird enough and just big enough to make you uncomfortable. 3. In an attempt to use the highest titular number possible, the writer has split a single thought… 4. …into multiple points. 5. GIFS! 6. The grammar and spelling isn’t the graetest. It’s not terribly, but it’s not well. 7. There’s an extremely obscure reference to...

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Pumpkin Pie Recipe!

Published on Nov 18, 2013 in Features, Front Page

INGREDIENTS One pumpkin, medium-sized. For fullest celebration of the season, force your neighbors out of their home, wait until they grow a pumpkin, then use this specific pumpkin for your recipe. Don’t forget to invite your neighbors over for dinner to say thank you! Whipped cream. Depending on the cream, you may prefer to use a bullwhip, stockwhip, or riding crop. Remember, always establish a safeword before baking. Brown sugar. For...

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