Big, Dumb Open Mic Night: A Night To Remember

Published on Mar 9, 2015 in Campus, Features, Front Page

LEXINGTON, KY– As many of you will doubtless already know, the crossover event known as the Big, Dumb Open Mic Night, hosted last Friday by both UK’s esteemed literary magazine, Shale, and UK’s finest student-run newspaper, The Colonel, was an overwhelming success. The editors of both publications reserved the Cats Den for the evening in order to showcase a variety of student talents, such as stand-up comedy, poetry readings, falconry,...

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Line at Ovid’s Causes UK Students to Graduate Late

Published on Feb 19, 2015 in Campus, Features, Front Page

LEXINGTON, KY— According to university faculty, the average time taken to complete a four-year degree at the University of Kentucky is actually five years, and speculation as to the cause of this delay is rising. Many point to the obscenely long lines that develop at Ovid’s. The lines have been an issue of concern for years, but recently they have reached an unprecedented level of debate due to their increasing size. Lines frequently expand...

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Flares Used To Prevent Roosting In William T. Young Library

Published on Dec 10, 2014 in Campus, Features, Front Page

LEXINGTON, KY- Autumn brings cool air, falling leaves, and freshman girls pining for romance. However, the natural unhappy state of these lovelorn creatures was interrupted when this year’s K Book announced that the fifth floor is the “best place on campus to get a date.” Since the arrival of pumpkin spice lattes, freshmen have flocked to the library to make nests on the fifth floor. Librarian Sylvia Snow is perplexed about the...

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McConnell Concedes Senate Power to Sauron

Published on Dec 4, 2014 in Elections, Features, Front Page, U.S., Uncategorized

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a move that may very well go down in history as both daring and the first step on a long road to the utter destruction of the races of men, long-serving Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell announced at a press conference on Sunday that he would be stepping down from his newly acquired senate majority leader position and placing all of his support firmly behind an appointed replacement, senatorial newcomer Sauron the Dark...

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Writers for Campus Newspaper are Basic

Published on Oct 17, 2014 in Features, Front Page

October 16th proved to be a chilling day in the world of college news when The University of Kentucky’s own Kentucky Kernel revealed that their entire news staff, from their elusive editor-in-chief down to the most recent of freshman journalism majors, is comprised of people who are basic. The news was revealed in a frighteningly real opinion column in the October 16th edition of the Kernel entitled “We should stop calling people’s tastes...

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