Horoscopes: 10/13/14 – 10/19/14

Published on Oct 14, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will fall down the stairs the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Ask not what UK Dining can do for you. Because the answer is literally nothing. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will be unlucky in love this week. Specifically you, William. We’re through. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) At the corner of Huguelet and Rose, turn right. Continue for 500 feet…turn back....

Read More

Horoscopes: 10/6/14-10/13/14

Published on Oct 6, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You may think that cutting ties with your neo-Nazi friends will solve all of your problems, but it’ll just further complicate half-Windsor knots. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You started to work at an apiary to find your soul mate, but you’re about to learn the hard way that the saying is not “beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.” Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your Friday night will be...

Read More

Your Weekly Horoscope

Published on Mar 17, 2013 in Front Page, Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) There is a high probability that you will not be kidnapped or stabbed this week. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) As far as luck goes, you will have way more than enough of it this week. Hey, if the stars had to guess, you could probably even get away with driving blacked out a few times. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will lose everything you have in a high-stakes game of rock-paper-scissors. Cancer (June 21 – July...

Read More

Your Weekly Horoscope

Published on Feb 24, 2013 in Front Page, Horoscopes

  Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will not not catch your roommate masturbating on your bed this Wednesday.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The stars wish that they could help you out of this pile of shit you’ve gotten yourself into, but even they have a policy of never fucking with the Triad.   Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’ll be happy to discover that your kitchen table is actually functional as a time machine,...

Read More

Your Weekly Horoscope

Published on Feb 11, 2013 in Front Page, Horoscopes

Horoscope 2/11/13 – 2/17/13 Aries (March 21 – April 19) There’s only one way out of your current predicament, and it will involve lube. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will learn the hard way that there is no socially acceptable method of making fun of schizophrenic hookers during a job interview. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The next week will hold an array of challenges for you, not the least of which will be the angry bloodthirsty...

Read More

Horoscope 11/26/12 – 12/2/12

Published on Nov 26, 2012 in Front Page, Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) There are two ways out of your current predicament, and both involve purchasing a labradoodle. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your decision to attend a major public school in the South will be reaffirmed as you drunkedly jam out to Wagon Wheel along with the rest of Cane’s. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Stalking your ex-girlfriend’s Facebook profile almost never leads to emotional satisfaction, but then again,...

Read More