Disobedient Professor Gets 15 Lashes for Failing to Bow to Calipari

Published on Apr 5, 2013 in April Fools, Campus, Front Page, Sports

LEXINGTON, KY – Physics professor Bryan Arnold was sentenced to get 15 lashes on the back Monday for failing to show proper respect to University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari after seeing him on campus. The charges, brought to light earlier last week, were deemed serious enough to be taken before UK’s Board of Trustees, who decided on the punishment after several hours of deliberation. “I honestly thought we should have...

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Big Blue Sacrifice

Published on Apr 2, 2013 in Campus, Front Page, Sports

LEXINGTON, KY – UK basketball fans have the disappointing last season in the rear-view mirror with a promise of greatness coming from Coach John Calipari’s recruiting class for the 2013-14 season. Already, he has every number one recruit per position. But Cal’s selfish nature refuses to stop there. He is going after the number one player overall since Lebron James: Andrew Wiggins. However, with the flux of talent coming in as well as...

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UK Students Diagnosed with “Lack of Madness”

Published on Apr 1, 2013 in Campus, Front Page, Sports

LEXINGTON, KY – March Madness has come and gone with little participation from Cats fans. After failing to make it to the NCAA Tournament and losing in the NIT, many students are disappointed, but some are suffering from too much sanity. Recently, UK Student Health has seen an increase in an illness resembling seasonal depression. Doctors call it “Lack of Madness” or “LM” and its symptoms are characterized by...

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Recent Spike In Alcohol Poisonings Among UK Students Caused by Mark Stoops

Published on Feb 23, 2013 in Campus, Front Page, Sports

Hospitals around Lexington, Kentucky have seen a recent spike in alcohol related visits to their emergency rooms.  While most Emergency Room physicians equate the rise to the return of college students after winter break, University of Kentucky athletic officials have a different idea as to the cause. Mark Stoops was hired last semester as the new head football coach at UK, and while this was three months ago, the effects of his hire are now...

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Ten Similarities Between Super Bowl XLVII and Kentucky Gentleman Fine Bourbon-Whiskey

Published on Feb 4, 2013 in Front Page, Sports

1. They go together well with sex. 2. They provide a good occasion for the Harbaugh brothers to get together and shout at each other. 3. Blackouts. 4. Sitting on the couch with your roommates and consuming either for 4 hours and 14 minutes makes for a good time. 5. Sitting on the couch by yourself and consuming either for 4 hours and 14 minutes gets to be slightly depressing. 6. They make you wish you had a little more Beyonce in your life. 7....

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Catfished? Or Manti Teo’d?

Published on Feb 2, 2013 in Features, Front Page, Sports

In spite of recent imaginary girlfriend news involving Notre Dame’s star football player, Manti Teo, as well as the online, dishonest relationships documented on the popular MTV series Catfish, we find the youth of America struggling to define an online relationship gone wrong. With the dramatically growing problem of teens and young adults developing fake social media accounts, and using said-accounts to portray oneself as better-looking,...

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