Obama Enters Existential Crisis over Fate of Fruit Fly

Published on Sep 7, 2014 in Features, Front Page, U.S.

“Why should I have the right to decide the fate of living beings?” a visibly shaken Obama was heard asking himself this Wednesday, upon noticing a fly soundlessly circling around a fruit basket on the White House countertop. According to psychic reporters on the scene, Obama’s initial instinct to swat the fly was quickly outweighed by his conscience, which called for a moralistic reevaluation of the situation. The commander-in-chief then...

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New Research Finds Red Lights May Cause Drivers To Stop

Published on Aug 12, 2014 in Front Page, U.S.

In a shocking new study published this week, the Federal Agency Investigating Lights, or FAIL, shares some shocking data that shows a direct correlation between red lights shining in various places above roadways and drivers applying the brake pedal, sometimes even so much that the vehicle comes to a complete stop. “It’s important to remember that correlation does not imply causation,” said FAIL leader Tricia Martin. “There is definitely...

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Jesus Officially a Tea Party Supporter

Published on Dec 13, 2013 in Front Page, U.S.

In a stunning conclusion to the 2013 Values Voter Summit, Jesus Christ himself made an appearance. Some of you may know him as “The Prince of Peace” or “Alpha and Omega,” but he introduced himself simply as “The J Man”, preferring this simple moniker from constituents and disciples alike. It appears the intent of his Second Coming was to inform the Tea Party that yup, they were right on course with what he had planned: shutting...

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Published on Nov 19, 2013 in Front Page, U.S.

Whether you’re a student preparing for midterms, a professor taking a well-earned break from grading, or a journalist sitting at your computer while a man in a black suit holds a loaded gun to the back of your head, you’ve probably heard of the National Security Agency. This hitherto unheard of agency came into the public spotlight when former computer specialist and current terrorist malcontent, Edward Snowden illegally released classified...

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Syria Bombs US

Published on Nov 15, 2013 in Front Page, U.S., World

According to numerous sources, including The Colonel’s own foreign correspondent to the Pacific Northwest, Syria has just bombed Damascus, Oregon. The details appear to be fuzzy at this point, yet multiple reputable sources, including the Weekly World News, the Sun, the Sunday Sport, and the New York Times have corroborated, and are now working on shaving, them. First-hand accounts suggest that the missile strike completely eviscerated the...

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Imperialist Intervention (I.I.) Goes Surprisingly Well

Published on Oct 10, 2013 in Front Page, U.S., World

President Barack Obama returned home to the White House late last Sunday after a long day of building his empire when he was surprised by an Imperialist Intervention. Many were in attendance: his closest friends Dick Cheney and Rupert Murdoch, his wife, distant relatives from Kenya, and even the Jonas Brothers (whom the young Obama sisters were delighted to see). Everyone spoke from personal experiences so as to create an open dialogue and have...

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