McConnell Concedes Senate Power to Sauron

Published on Dec 4, 2014 in Elections, Features, Front Page, U.S., Uncategorized

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a move that may very well go down in history as both daring and the first step on a long road to the utter destruction of the races of men, long-serving Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell announced at a press conference on Sunday that he would be stepping down from his newly acquired senate majority leader position and placing all of his support firmly behind an appointed replacement, senatorial newcomer Sauron the Dark...

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The Colonel Presents: A Brief Intro To Musical Theory

Published on Aug 23, 2014 in Features, Front Page, Uncategorized

Sharp: Symbol (#) used to raise a note by a half-step (See also: hashtag). Flat: Synonymous with: not much fun to talk to, probably kind of desperate, usually terrible in bed. Natural: Not wearing deodorant. Fermata: Holding out a note or rest, often used to facilitate the changing of a musical thought. For example, gossiping on the phone about your roommate’s promiscuity as she unlocks the door, necessitating a swift topic change to Game of...

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