U2 Album Incites Conversation, Talk of “Leprechaun-Minions”

Published on Oct 2, 2014 in Features, Front Page, World

Irish rock band U2 shocked fans September 9th with the release of their album Songs of Innocence. Through a partnership with BlackBerry, their new album is available to all BlackBerry users—for free! As part of a daring marketing move, U2 made an appearance at the 2014 unveiling of the BlackBerry -6. Lead singer Bono burst onto stage, sending the audience—numbering just over four people and an elderly hamster—into a frenzy. When asked...

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Sochi Not So Bad After All

Published on Mar 10, 2014 in Front Page, World

It is hard to believe that the accommodations at Sochi have not been well regarded by the other reporters and visitors to the city.  I found the city to be very comfortable and interesting.   We arrived three days before the opening ceremony and were received by the nicest hotel staff.  They told us that if the water came back on we shouldn’t use it, as it contained poisons.  How nice! They shut off the water, which was surely tampered...

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China Expands Surveillance State

Published on Nov 25, 2013 in Front Page, World

Hundreds protested in the streets of Beijing yesterday after the Chinese government announced plans to employ two million “public opinion analysts” with the duty of patrolling comments on social media websites. China has long been accused of stifling citizens’ freedom, especially that dealing with Internet access. The most famous incident occurred last spring, during the height of One Direction fame. When the British pop group’s hit...

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Syria Bombs US

Published on Nov 15, 2013 in Front Page, U.S., World

According to numerous sources, including The Colonel’s own foreign correspondent to the Pacific Northwest, Syria has just bombed Damascus, Oregon. The details appear to be fuzzy at this point, yet multiple reputable sources, including the Weekly World News, the Sun, the Sunday Sport, and the New York Times have corroborated, and are now working on shaving, them. First-hand accounts suggest that the missile strike completely eviscerated the...

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Imperialist Intervention (I.I.) Goes Surprisingly Well

Published on Oct 10, 2013 in Front Page, U.S., World

President Barack Obama returned home to the White House late last Sunday after a long day of building his empire when he was surprised by an Imperialist Intervention. Many were in attendance: his closest friends Dick Cheney and Rupert Murdoch, his wife, distant relatives from Kenya, and even the Jonas Brothers (whom the young Obama sisters were delighted to see). Everyone spoke from personal experiences so as to create an open dialogue and have...

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President Calipouto Outsources University

Published on Apr 5, 2013 in April Fools, Campus, Front Page, World

LEXINGTON, KY – In a surprise decision, UK President Eli Calipouto announced today that the entire university campus would be outsourced to southern China. Calipouto, who spoke at a news conference in a packed Memorial Hall, explained his decision: “Well uh…we uh…I understand…” Calipouto, after recharging his Alltech™ algae biofuel battery, unveiled the Committee to Investigate to Consider the Possibility of Perhaps Undertaking...

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