Pope Benedict Resigns, Cites Severe Case of Blue Balls as Reason for Resignation

Published on Apr 3, 2013 in April Fools, Front Page, World

VATICAN CITY – It has been about a month since the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI. There has been much speculation about his move, being the first pope to resign in centuries. Some have thought it was because of the church abuse scandals; others believed it was his deteriorating age. However, for the first time in weeks, the Vatican medical staff has come forward with answers. “Pope Benedict indeed had a serious health condition that...

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U.S. Shifts Control of Drone Program from CIA to Pentagon to Teenagers

Published on Apr 2, 2013 in April Fools, Front Page, U.S., World

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Obama administration recently shifted control of its secret drone program from the CIA to the Pentagon. The Pentagon was already involved in supervising these internationally illegal extrajudicial executions of innocent civilians in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen, and Somalia, yet it decided the CIA needed more free time and energy to devote to protecting freedom around the globe. Thus, out of the infinite benevolence...

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Archeologists Discover White Men Haven’t Been Able to Jump for Centuries

Published on Mar 23, 2013 in Front Page, World

With a recently discovered trove of ancient Caucasian skeletons in central Africa, archeologists have been able to determine that white people have not been able to jump for centuries; at least, those are the results of some preliminary tests conducted on the Caucasian remains. Archeologists are considering this to be the honey hole of the modern era within the field of Caucasian Studies.  The excavation site has been buzzing with reporters and...

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U.S. Banks, Weapons Corporations, and Government Tired of Working with Violent Drug Cartels; Seeking to Break into New Markets

Published on Mar 20, 2013 in Front Page, U.S., World

According to a new report, more than 250,000 guns are smuggled from the United States into Mexico every year.  Most of these guns end up in the hands of violent drug cartels, who then use them to kill innocent civilians and solidify their draconian chokehold on the populace. U.S. weapons corporations, however, are beginning to get tired of working with these cartels. “We’ve saturated the market, you see,” Hank Larson, Director of Public...

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Hugo Chavez, Whoever That Is, Pronounced Dead Yesterday

Published on Mar 6, 2013 in Front Page, World

According to sources, some guy named Hugo Chavez just died. Chavez—  who was, like, the president of, like, Bolivia or something— has left his country or state or whatever it is in disarray. (Probably). Chavez was likely pretty old at the time of his death and definitely passed away due to something boring like a heart attack or a cancer of some kind or something. While some people will probably mourn his death or celebrate it or express...

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Obama Renounces U.S. Imperialism; Apologizes to World; Dismantling All Foreign U.S. Military Bases

Published on Mar 3, 2013 in Front Page, U.S., World

The Obama administration published an unprecedented press release Friday night denouncing U.S. military intervention abroad (which the document points out is not actually “intervention,” a euphemism, but what it calls “vehement neocolonialism”). The report opens stating “The administration has unequivocally decided to end our brutal imperialist, shill regimes across the planet. As of the beginning of April, every single foreign U.S....

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