Reports have surfaced that freshman Alan Richey held a strategically timed masturbation session in his room in Kirwan 2 between 2:07 p.m. and 2:29 p.m. this Friday. The period of time, painstakingly derived through a mixture of graduate-level statistics and socio-psychological meta-analysis, was meant to optimize the privacy of the session.
“My roommate, Zack [Springfield], never leaves the room, and when he does, he has a knack for unexpectedly coming back, which makes spontaneous meat-beating a risky undertaking,” Richey said, pages upon pages of meticulous calculations sprawled throughout his desk. “I’ve tried putting on porn when I thought he would be in class a few times, but he would inevitably show up as soon as my hand was in my pants. Thankfully, he didn’t notice, but there were a few calls that were way too close for my liking. I knew that my only option was to minimize the chances of a such a potentially embarrassing future encounter.”
Richey, his eyes red from several sleepless nights of logistical analysis, but his penis finally content, explained that his first step was approaching his MA 114 professor. “A few weeks ago, we were reviewing applications of finding absolute extrema in class, and I thought to myself, this could definitely be useful,” Richey said.
Professor Peter Jennings, a specialist in both discrete mathematics and flogging the log, immediately jumped on the opportunity. “When Alan showed up to my office hours, I thought it was just going to be another case of a student complaining about the workload or trying to brown-nose his way to a higher grade in the course,” said Jennings. “But when he proposed doing research to solve a problem of such logistical and sociological complexity, I was immediately enthralled.I knew we’d need more help, though.”
Professor Daniel Caldwell of the Department of Psychology, Professor Samuel Porter of the Department of Statistics, and Professor Tom Carter of the Department of Philosophy, hopped on board with the project by the day’s end.
Carter, whose research focuses on aesthetics, epistemology, and Hellenistic metaphysical views on self-pleasuring, said, “I’ve been trying to come up with an algorithm to find the best times to spank the monkey for years. I was more than delighted to be taken into consideration in this ambitious undertaking.” The bone-weary Carter proceeded to close his eyes and take a light nap in his office chair.
The research team faced no shortage of work. After gathering extensive data on Springfield’s schedule, habits, and personality traits, they strenuously reviewed breakthrough research on mathematical psychology. Through a clever incorporation of informational theory and game theory, they managed to pinpoint several specific nodes of time during which Springfield was theoretically unlikely to be present in the room. Then, they performed a series of increasingly complex statistical procedures on the nodes, including regression analysis, time-series analysis, and multi-level modeling.
“I could explain all the statistical work we did, but I am running on less than 5 hours of sleep this week,” said Porter. “Please get out of my office.”
While some of the nodes of time didn’t make the cut, others showed promise. In fact, five or six time periods were found each week during which the probability of Springfield’s presence in the room was less than 2% (p<.001).
“I knew that this would be a time-consuming project, but I had no idea how mentally and physically exhausting it would be,” Richey said. “But you know what? Overall, it was worth it. It’s the first time I’ve beat off peacefully since I came to college. I just wish I’d been able to make it to more of my classes this week. I’m pretty sure I might have missed a quiz in physics…”
Richey, a look of resigned revelation coming across his haggard face, concluded, “I could have just masturbated in the shower. Fuck”