Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will fall down the stairs the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ask not what UK Dining can do for you. Because the answer is literally nothing.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be unlucky in love this week. Specifically you, William. We’re through.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
At the corner of Huguelet and Rose, turn right. Continue for 500 feet…turn back. Keep turning back. You need to turn your life around, Cancer. We’re all here for you. Turn back.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
I hate to say it, but you know it’s true. For you, the Hokey-Pokey really is what it’s all about. The stars encourage you to seek help. Maybe find a new hobby. Knitting is nice.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Do not be fooled by those who encourage you to visit the library early and often. It is said to be ‘useful’ and full of ‘books’ and ‘computers,’ but we know better. We have counted the students. We have seen how no one who enters the library has ever returned. Do not visit the library. Do not visit the library. Do not walk too close to the library. Do not think about the library too hard. …oh, you meant Ovid’s? Yeah, no, Ovid’s is totally cool. Go for it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You should really get that mole checked out. Why do you even have a mole as a pet? They’re blind.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The saying “it’s all smoke and mirrors” is generally meant to describe a magic show, not your lungs, but you’ve always had a doctor with a flair for poetry. …however, in this case, it is completely literal. You may wish to seek emergency care.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You know how you’ve always wanted to learn piano before you died? Well, this week might be a good week for that. No reason.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your walls are not as soundproof as you think they are.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Not everyone can manage to drown twice within the same week, but then, you’ve always been special. Also, you may want to consider steering clear of oceans. And ponds. And small puddles.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Flamingoes and more flamingoes.
Byline: Madame Vloshkoshb’gosh