Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You may think that cutting ties with your neo-Nazi friends will solve all of your problems, but it’ll just further complicate half-Windsor knots.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You started to work at an apiary to find your soul mate, but you’re about to learn the hard way that the saying is not “beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your Friday night will be filled with hilarious misadventures and gut-busting laughter. But be sure to invest in Clorox wipes, as your roommate’s intestines won’t wipe themselves off the floor.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll be on your knees, searching for the answer: are you human, or are you Cancer?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A light will flicker on above your head. Unfortunately, that won’t be you remembering the safeword; it’ll just be a power surge caused by Hilda temporarily pausing the 500-Watt current running directly through your scrotum.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve always been able to read your boyfriend like a book, but you won’t be able to place him on a bookshelf until you’ve chopped him into pieces.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Vodka corrupts, but Absolut Vodka corrupts Absolut-ly.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The stars wonder whether you knew that the Scorpio constellation, when viewed at the right angle, spells out the word “gullible.”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will give up your fervent belief that the glass is always half-full when a costly mistake on a Stats word problem convinces you that some glasses can be two-fifths full.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your life will become even more of a pain in the ass after the actives force you to butt-chug Heaven Hill.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The stars want you to know that no one loves you, that your life is a mess, and that you will die cold and alone. The stars are here for you, though. You can’t do anything right, but the stars will always be here. So keep listening to the stars. You piece of shit.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your reputation for never breaking character will bend but won’t break as you impatiently wait for the Leo choking down sobs amidst increasingly violent cock slaps to finally blurt out the safeword.

Byline: Madame Khoschlakoff