In a stunning conclusion to the 2013 Values Voter Summit, Jesus Christ himself made an appearance. Some of you may know him as “The Prince of Peace” or “Alpha and Omega,” but he introduced himself simply as “The J Man”, preferring this simple moniker from constituents and disciples alike.

It appears the intent of his Second Coming was to inform the Tea Party that yup, they were right on course with what he had planned: shutting down the government and refusing to raise the debt ceiling was going to be the next chapter of John right after those segments about helping out the poor, yada yada yada, love your neighbors, etc.

“Honestly, I’m really proud of you all. You are the lone voice of reason in a government gone crazy with programs designed to aid the less fortunate. Remember when I said it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter heaven? Well you were right! I meant the exact opposite!!!!”

Conservative pundits ranging from Sarah Palin to Rush Limbaugh weighed in after the appearance. Michelle Bachmann, in a rare moment of sanity, chanted, “Burn the witches!!!” to the tune of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.

After the convention, the crowds dispersed into the street, excitedly chatting about this new Divine mandate they had received. “Honestly, if this doesn’t convince our Democratic brethren that we are the one true party of the Lord, I don’t know what will,” said Steve Branaugh, a voter from Iowa.

Democrats, however, seemed to be quite apathetic. Numerous reports hinted that they were too busy getting stoned and playing GTA 5 with the Devil in the White House to be reached for comment.

by Brian McDougle