In a move that may very well go down in history as both daring and the first step on a long road to the utter destruction of the races of men, long-serving Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell announced at a press conference on Sunday that he would be stepping down from his newly acquired senate majority leader position and placing all of his support firmly behind an appointed replacement, senatorial newcomer Sauron the Dark Lord of Mordor.
Despite his recent victory over opponent Alison Lundergan Grimes by a healthy margin, McConnell stated that he was just “tired, oh so very tired” and that Sauron the Dread Abomination was his first choice for a replacement.
Referring to his new political interest with the name given to him by the High Lords long before recorded time, McConnell said, “Mairon and I go way back. He’s long been an inspiration to me, really. The way that he has led his community has gotten into my political spirit. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without my good friend, Sauron the Base Master of Treachery. When Sherrill and I divorced back in ’93, Sauron was the only one who was there for me. And when Sauron lost his master Morgoth in the War of Wrath, when Morgoth was cast into the Outer Void beyond the edges of the known world, I helped him get back on his feet and return to power in the Second Age. We really are thick as thieves.”
After making the announcement, McConnell gave the floor to the Lord of the Rings, who appeared in a sudden flash of fire and brimstone. Once the paramedics arrived to remove the injured reporters in the front row, a short Q and A session began.
When questioned on his stance on the national debt crisis, Sauron spoke in an unearthly language that shattered the glass windows and made the metal chairs of many reporters present bubble into a molten pile of varnished iron and human flesh. One reporter, on location for the Kentucky Kernel, asked if the second Dark Lord of Middle-Earth planned to “carry on the reputation of filibustering that his predecessor was known for and become the Second Dark Lord of Gridlock.” The Ring-Maker’s response is best described as a forward slashing motion that cleaved the reporter into two bloody chunks of what was once a man.
At press time, a swarm of dark clouds and ravens had been seen moving towards Washington, D.C.
Byline: Kurt Hornsby