Yes, unfortunately you did read that correctly. On the night of September 3, 2014, President Eli Capilouto informed reporters at the Colonel of his plan to “launch those hooligans into space.” He may or may not have been drunk at the time, but the truth is uncertain, as our reporter may or may not have been drunk at the time.
Operation Blue Moon will begin in earnest during the fall semester and is expected to earn acclaim for being the first campus construction students don’t complain about on a daily basis. Physicists at the university inform us that construction workers will blast off at high tide, when the moon is closest to the earth. The spaceship is being paid for by the noble president himself, who has charitably given up a week’s worth of salary to fund it. Construction workers can expect to receive a salary of five dollars and a high-five if they survive reentry.
“It’s all about expanding the campus for our new freshmen, really,” aptly-named financial advisor Moneybags Moonman informed a Colonel reporter. “Think about it. We tear down the old cheap dorms and build craaaazy-expensive ones in space, then make the freshmen live on the moon-campus so they have to pay for it. We get rich quick and traffic on Earth-campus clears up just like that! I mean, really, who’s gonna go to class every day from the moon?”
So buy a spacesuit, students of UK, wave goodbye to nature, and get ready for a semester filled with really slow games of Ping-Pong and nowhere to spend the Flex money you’ll still have to buy. To sum it all up, future Lunar RA Jessica Krighton leaves a final message: “They’re not moon dorms, they’re moon residence halls.”
Byline: Willy T.