In a shocking new study published this week, the Federal Agency Investigating Lights, or FAIL, shares some shocking data that shows a direct correlation between red lights shining in various places above roadways and drivers applying the brake pedal, sometimes even so much that the vehicle comes to a complete stop.

“It’s important to remember that correlation does not imply causation,” said FAIL leader Tricia Martin. “There is definitely a lot of confounding data—sometimes drivers who saw the red lights sped up exponentially, which is a complete opposite of the usual reaction to the lights. But for the most part, there is an overwhelming connection between drivers seeing these red lights and bringing their vehicles to a stop. We definitely have to run some more tests.”

“My question is—where did the red lights come from? Why do they exist outside of the districts named for them? Did they come from the aliens that built the Mayan ziggurats? Is it some kind of government conspiracy to implement large-scale Pavlovian conditioning?” wondered FAIL researcher Jason Bhats. “God—they could be watching us right now. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Bhats continued, before backing warily away from our on-site reporter.

Our intrepid reporters reached out to the red lights near Euclid Avenue and Rose Street for more information on this inexplicable correlation, but the lights refused to comment.

The data, collected over a ten-year span and across 47.5 different states, isn’t enough to form any solid conclusions, according to FAIL representatives. A 15% federal tax increase for all American citizens will be implemented to continue funding this project.

 

Byline: Rosie Summers