“Why should I have the right to decide the fate of living beings?” a visibly shaken Obama was heard asking himself this Wednesday, upon noticing a fly soundlessly circling around a fruit basket on the White House countertop. According to psychic reporters on the scene, Obama’s initial instinct to swat the fly was quickly outweighed by his conscience, which called for a moralistic reevaluation of the situation. The commander-in-chief then pensively worked through a battery of rhetorical questions, including, but not limited to: “Is not the smallest fruit fly just as important in the eyes of God as myself?” and “What gives one living being the right to take this precious gift of life away from another?” and “It’s not like this fly is hurting me in any way, is it?” Upon completing the in-depth philosophical analysis of the situation, the president could find literally no rational, universal reason that he should care more for his own countrymen, his own family, or even his own children, than he would for the life of a simple bacterium.
As of press time, Obama had swatted the fly and gone about his day.
Byline: Cliff Applebottom