LEXINGTON, KY—

According to university faculty, the average time taken to complete a four-year degree at the University of Kentucky is actually five years, and speculation as to the cause of this delay is rising. Many point to the obscenely long lines that develop at Ovid’s.

The lines have been an issue of concern for years, but recently they have reached an unprecedented level of debate due to their increasing size. Lines frequently expand so far as “hella” and “so fucking long,” according to a student we interviewed while waiting in line.

“It’s just bullshit, man; I just want a goddamned spicy beef wrap,” he said. Scientists have also voiced growing concerns about a black hole that could potentially form as a result of the lines.

“Our data shows that the lines could soon extend so far back that they would reach back to the Starbucks, thus crossing the lines, resulting in a rift in time and space. It would be game over. Beef wraps and frappuccinos would reach critical mass,” said Dr. Diltz.

This grave warning is not one to be taken lightly.

What causes these long lines? Is it too much demand from the students? Hiring more employees certainly wouldn’t fix the problem; Ovid’s is overstaffed as is, often assigning as many as one or two cooks to each station. Instead, the management has decided to split the line into two, allotting one grill to cook the entrees that people actually order, and the other to entrees that people don’t. This, coupled with making the menus more colorful despite actually adding items to it has unfortunately yielded few results in combating the line issue.

Freshman Jacob Nelms summarizes the black hole of time that is the line. “You wait 40 minutes in line one day, an hour the next, and 30 minutes the day after that; that time all adds up. Suddenly, Ovid’s becomes like a three-credit-hour class.”

Byline: Benjamin Zipper