Why turn to Cosmo or the Kama Sutra when you have the Colonel to spice up your sex life? Here are a couple of our favorite tried-and-true sex positions to help you bring some excitement back into the bedroom:

  • The Giraffe—You both wear high heels. For an added effect, be sure to make giraffe sounds.
  • The Wes Anderson—Make awkward small talk about your troubled childhood– preferably with your adopted sibling– then in the midst of crying begin to have ruthless, meaningless sex, while The Kinks play in the background. Afterwards, light up a cigarette and resume conversation about your troubled childhood in monotone voices.
  • The Poor Man’s Christian Grey—Get risqué and dive into some S&M that Christian Grey would approve of. Invite someone over to your makeshift “Red Room of Pain” and tie them up. After every flog say: “Ooops, sorry” or “Did I hurt you?”or “Do you like this?” or “Did you just say the safe word?”
  • The Donald Harvey —Suffocate your partner with a pillow while on top to increase satisfaction.
  • The I’ll Look You Up on Facebook—Engage in some wildly intoxicated party sex after your partner promises to send you a friend request…that will show up any day now.
  • The Dirty Hipster—Before stripping, you and your partner wear Urban Outfitters’ best. You start by listening to music no one has heard of, while watching a movie no one has heard about before. Once in the bedroom, indulge in some obscure sex positions that aren’t mainstream. You might like the Giraffe.
  • The Feminist—During intercourse, have your partner state examples of glass ceilings in today’s society. It’ll really get you turned on to see how much they care about women’s rights.
  • The Lola—Turns out in the right lighting you can make the mistake of taking home a transvestite.
  • The Helping Hand—Who needs a companion for hot sex anyway? Go solo! Your arms are long enough! And no one knows how to please you quite like you.

Leslie Von Tramp