LEXINGTON—On the evening of Sunday, September 28, University of Kentucky basketball player Dakari Johnson threw a fellow student dramatically off the roof of Kirwin Tower. Unsurprisingly, the student, an engineering junior named Beatrice Wilson, was killed on impact. The resulting mess and vague UK Alerts alarmed the entire campus while campus police tried to figure out where the body had fallen from, and whether perhaps Wilson had been the victim of a parachuting accident.
Once campus police apprehended the murderer, who admitted to being “high as balls, man,” they reportedly began the usual process of reading him his Miranda rights and taking him into custody, before basketball coach John Calipari came puffing up to the wildcat-festooned police van. “No, no, it’s cool, he’s one of my guys,” Calipari is quoted as saying, after which the police officer reportedly took a better look at the handcuffed Johnson, realized who he was attempting to detain, and immediately undid the handcuffs, apologizing and bowing profusely.
“We realize that our poor, pretty-much-innocent Dakari has committed a great wrong in the eyes of the law,” said Calipari in his official statement the next morning. “But, like, let’s get real. It’s almost basketball season. I know, I know, people have to face the consequences of their actions, and the basketball players are no more exempt to that than the rest of you mere mortals. But we want nine, am I right?!” The press conference was then interrupted by a surge of cheering by fans dressed entirely in blue, who seemingly appeared out of nowhere to protest the concept of Johnson being responsible for his actions. “So, hey, it’s all good, we’ll put him in the Time-Out Chair, okay?” The blue-clad fans cheered somewhat less enthusiastically, waved their foam fingers half-heartedly, and accepted this as a compromise. At press time, the Fayette County Attorney and the Office of Student Affairs convened to discuss whether they should send a stronger message by revoking Johnson’s dessert privileges.
Byline: Rosie Summers