October 16th proved to be a chilling day in the world of college news when The University of Kentucky’s own Kentucky Kernel revealed that their entire news staff, from their elusive editor-in-chief down to the most recent of freshman journalism majors, is comprised of people who are basic. The news was revealed in a frighteningly real opinion column in the October 16th edition of the Kernel entitled “We should stop calling people’s tastes ‘basic’,” by a regular contributor to the newspaper whose basic identity is being withheld from this publication.

That contributor, who would most likely love the smell of a wet fart if it had the words “Pumpkin Spice” on it, revealed through code that the Kentucky Kernel has been hiring writers based on how basic they can be. Yes, the publication that, in the very same issue, gave ebola a backseat position to a giant picture of Ron Jeremy and ran this basic message next to a piece entitled “Marvel, DC comics series can be overwhelming” is basic. The code, carefully cracked by our own elite team at The Colonel, was found in this direct quote: “How many negative Twitter fights do people start over whether Justin Bieber or Harry Styles from One Direction is the cutest?” It became clear to our windtalkers that anyone who was so out of touch with the world that they could write that sentence down had to be absolute, bottom-line basic. The publication that printed it doubly so.

Basicness is a disease rapidly infecting this great nation. Sufferers tend to complain about common problems, or are unable to summon up even the slightest interesting detail or story in conversation. Symptoms include the shedding of summer clothes for North Face jackets and all logic and reason in favor of Ugg boots. If you or a loved one shows signs of this disease, do not apply for a writer’s position with the Kentucky Kernel. Seek help immediately.

by Kurt Hornsby