Aries (March 21 – April 19)

There is a high probability that you will not be kidnapped or stabbed this week.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

As far as luck goes, you will have way more than enough of it this week. Hey, if the stars had to guess, you could probably even get away with driving blacked out a few times.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will lose everything you have in a high-stakes game of rock-paper-scissors.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That being said, neither smoking half a gram of weed nor hitting the gym will kill you this week. Wink wink. 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Avoid shouting the word “twat.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You won’t be getting hazed as horribly as you have been lately; feel free to wear your nice pair of jeans!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

David Cameron is the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. James Cameron directed Avatar. You’re welcome. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar. But what about the rest of the time? This isn’t just a genuine puzzle; it’s also a great conversation starter. Try it out.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The stars are having a tough time interpreting what’s in store for you. In the future, make it easier for them by not encrypting all of your emails.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You need to take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror. Your hair’s a little messed up.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Getting a tattoo of a unicorn with a majestic penis is usually a great idea, but the time’s just not right right now.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your puppy will die, your boyfriend will break up with you, and you will be diagnosed with a malignant tumor. But, on the bright side, your boyfriend has been cheating on you for awhile now; he was definitely not the one.