Horoscope 2/11/13 – 2/17/13

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
There’s only one way out of your current predicament, and it will involve lube.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will learn the hard way that there is no socially acceptable method of making fun of schizophrenic hookers during a job interview.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The next week will hold an array of challenges for you, not the least of which will be the angry bloodthirsty raccoon which is making its way around your kitchen at this very moment.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The girl of your dreams will fall in love with you, only for you to realize that you’re not a human being but a kitchen chair, and also that love doesn’t exist.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The pen is mightier than the sword, but the Leo is mightier than the pen.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Before you make the big decision, ask yourself what Chris Brown would do in a similar situation.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The first little piggy made a house out of straw, the second little piggy made a house out of sticks, but the third little piggy made a house out of bitter hatred and profound regret. Take that as you will.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The stars seem to be a little confused about your situation. It is likely that you will either overcome your fear of snakes or die in a tragic snowmobile accident.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t trust any of your friends this week. Not even Carl.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
It is possible that the sizable investment of blood, sweat, and tears you have put into that new hairstyle is about to pay off. Just kidding! Hahahahaha it looks terrible.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Everything’s gonna be fine.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should get around to reading The Catcher and the Rye. The guy you sit next to during lunch on Thursday will be more than interested in having a nice conversation about it, followed by some casual sex.